SO FRUSTRATED!!!

UGH!!! Where to begin, let me start off by saying my in-laws are "different" and we got along fine until my hubby and I started the adoption process. When we told them what are plans were the first thing out of his mother's mouth was "your not going to adopt a black baby are you?!" Well um no we decided not to for this very reason because we knew that my husband's family would not be accepting. Fast forward to our match, we were OVER THE MOON excited to be adopting a baby girl:)  Our precious baby girl is part Korean and she is GORGEOUS (of course I am biased;). Well from the moment my in laws found out that our child was going to be part Korean they kept asking how dark the birth mother was, what she looked like etc... When introducing us/ my kids they are referred to as their adoptive granddaughter/ grandson- which just infuriates me and gets under my skin like no other, they are your grandchildren. period end of sentence! The day we brought our daughter home and my in-laws came to see her they told us that they are praying that we will get pregnant with a son- um why?! Once again this made me furious! Anyhoo fast forward a couple of years and our son who is also adopted and part Korean (hand of God in our adoptions!) ; before he is born the questions begin to how Asian he was going to look was brought up yet again! My hubby is an only child so you would think that his parents would be thrilled to have grandchildren but all they can see is "how Asian" they are, and I could go on and on with the comments and slights to my kids (THANK GOODNESS for the blessing of my parents, my parents adore my kiddos and my kiddos adore them!).
So with all this having been said I was concerned about how they would take my pregnancy- we have not told anyone (other than my parents and of course doctors) that we did embryo adoption, this was a choice my husband made and I am perfectly fine with because of the type of EA we did there are no papers for our child to be able to go back and find info on the loving people who donated their embryos.  So needless to say my in-laws were shocked (they had no idea we were trying) to find out we were pregnant and "excited". But here is the thing I am so afraid of how my two children will be treated by my in-laws once their sibling comes along. My husband told me last night what his parents said to him on Christmas (I wasn't there because it was an hour drive there and back and I wasn't feeling well at all so the kiddos and I stayed home for naps. We did have his parents up the next day for Christmas with them- this is typically the longest we see them all year, they stay for about 2- 2.5 hours; typically it is 1- 1.5 hours once a month. We exchanged gifts (gotta love this and I know it is the thought that counts etc.. but what thought was really put into my gift?! I got a St.ar.Bucks gift,card um can't have that and lots and I mean lots of Go.D.iva Choc. um yep I am diabetic and pregnant can't have ANY sweets and this is not news to them)and then went out to lunch- where my MIL pissed me off with yet another comment, she saw an Asian little boy running around, he looked to be a little younger than our son. She said "huh, must be in there blood" well I tried biting my tongue but that didn't last long and I just looked at her and said "NO it is called being a BOY!" ) Anyhoo back to Christmas day and what my in-laws said to my hubby:  "they told him that they were really praying for a boy for us to carry on the family name, you know with their blood and all". UM HELLO what about our son?! He will carry on your name whether you like it or not! So needless to say I was furious and that is all I could think about last night when I was suppose to be sleeping. My in-laws should be praying for a healthy baby and healthy momma !
Okay I just needed to vent, every time I think about this I am furious; thanks for letting me vent!!! I need it.

I'm still here

I am still here and still reading everyone's blogs. There really hasn't been much going on, busy with the holidays and this week I have been focusing on the kiddos with play dates etc... Next week begins the routine again, my daughter goes back to school :(  and I have two doctor's appointments, one with the obgyn and one with my endocrinologist. I am already starting to get nervous about my next obgyn appointment- hoping and praying all is well with our little one! This will be the first appointment my hubby won't be able to go with me. Before the appointment I have to do the "jug of fun" if you are not familiar with this it is where I have to collect my urine for 24 hours in a jug and take it in with me for my appointment (I have done this in the past for the endocrinologist)- fun times:/
I think I am getting nervous because we are starting to realize/ talk about when the baby arrives etc... we have kind of talked names and whether we want to find out the sex, planning room arrangements (we only have a three bedroom house) etc... and I am letting me guard down and excited- especially see the kids get excited and talk about their sibling etc.. So with that said I will continue to read everyone's blogs and will update next week after my appointments. Hope everyone has a Very Happy and Blessed New Year! Happy 2011:)

Snow Days!!!!

Haven't really had much to post about lately just trying to take it easy and get  all the Christmas stuff done! Cards are finally done, and mailed:) But I still have shopping and wrapping (haven't wrapped anything yet!) left to do and then of course comes the baking - next week (however I am scaling WAY back this year because having all those sweets around are too tempting for me!)  This week I haven't gotten much done partially due to the crazy weather we have been having. Monday we awoke to snow, which resulted in a fun snow day at home- lounging in pj's playing board games:) Then today we awoke to a little more snow and ICE! Snow day #2 for the week, so we are once again lounging in our pj's taking it easy. THANKFULLY the ice storm wasn't nearly as bad as it was a couple years ago when we lost power and ended up staying at a hotel!
I am trying to get motivated and clean the house (my hubby is looking forward to the second trimester because he heard nesting instincts take over and I will be cleaning everything- LOL!!!), I am having my family (mom, dad, brother, sister in law, niece and nephew) over for dinner tomorrow night -weather permitting to celebrate my mom and sister in laws birthdays. Of course I have been trying to plan this for some time and my brother and his family finally decided last night that Friday night is the only night that works for them! Of course today I can't get to the grocery because of the weather (and who knows when hubby will be home, tis the season for LONG crazy hours when you work for that "brown" company!) so hoping the weather cooperates and I can rush out tomorrow and get everything.
In the world of baby I got a call from my obgyn about my lab work and the first part of the test we had done to test for d.syndrome, trisomy etc....  was within normal range however it won't say negative till I have the second part of the test done at my next appointment the first of January. I really wasn't concerned but it was good to hear:) Curious to see if I will have another ultrasound at that appointment, it is so hard not to have an ultrasound when you are so use to having one every appointment- LOL! Even though I get worked about/ nervous about it, it is a relief to see our little one moving around,heart beating and healthy:) The one thing I am not looking forward to at my next appointment is having to do the "jug of fun" where I have to collect my urine for 24 hours and take it in to be tested. But I will do what I have to do!!! Okay I have rambled on enough.

New Obgyn

I had my first appointment with the high risk obgyn that I will be seeing for the rest of my pregnancy. First off I want to say that I really like the doctor  and the nurses however the appointment took FOREVER!!!! My appointment with the nurse was at 11:30 (its suppose to take around an hour, I joked they had scheduled it that long because it was going to take that long to get all my history!) and then with the doc at 1:15. Well do to some lab tech taking an hour for lunch instead of 30 minutes  I didn't get out of the office till 2:50!
So I met with the nurse, she is wonderful and explained everything, basically whenever I have a question or concern my phone call will be directed to her or one other nurse. She also went over some other basics and took my history. Then we had to decided whether we wanted the down syndrome, trisomy, etc... testing. Hubby was kind of against it because he said it wouldn't change anything however I was for it just for the information etc... Hubby joked that the only reason I wanted it was because then I would get an ultrasound today (they surprisingly hadn't planned on doing one). In the end we went ahead with the testing- which the doc was glad we did and so am I and as an added bonus we got to see our beautiful little one:) and hear the heartbeat (twice, once in the ultrasound and once with the doppler with the doc). Oh and I am DONE with the lovely ultrasound wand:) LOL! It was nice to know I didn't have to have another ultrasound like that. So then it was time to wait for the lab tech to get back from her extended lunch break, we waited and waited and in the end it made us late for the doc appointment. Finally I got to meet the doctor and I really like him, he is very personable and seems easy to talk to and understands those who have had a rough road to get to a pregnancy! So we talked with the doc for a few before heading in for my actual check up etc... and everything is great and on target for my due date. What I LOVED LOVED LOVED hearing was that tomorrow I will be 12 weeks and (he did said that there can always be complications along the way but for the most part I am out of the woods for a miscarriage now) I am 97% assured of bringing home a baby=) I keep having to pinch myself, I cannot believe this is actually happening!
Oh and the other thing I loved hearing is tonight is my last PIO shot!!!! WOO-HOO!!!! (although it makes me a little nervous that I have seen others on here have labs before the doc gave them clearance etc...)
So now I have an appointment reprieve for the holidays. I go back to the obgyn in 4weeks.

Week of Check-Up's

Last week I had a lab appointment for my endocrinologist, then on Friday I had my heart doctor check-up- I was kind of looking forward to this appointment. The heart doctors that I go to have seen me since birth, so I was excited to share our news with them however none of the docs that I usually see were in:(  However my appointment went great and I got a great bill of health. I will go back for another check up in my 2nd trimester (usually they see me once a year however they want to keep an eye on me).
Then today I had my endocrinologist appointment (diabetes doc). The appointment went great, she was very impressed with my labs, my blood sugar readings and my weight:) I was sooooo happy to hear all of that, a little sigh of relief! They want to see me back in 4.5 weeks they too want to keep an eye on me!
So now I have the "big daddy" appointment for the week the high risk obgyn- this will be my first appointment with them and I am assuming we will have another ultrasound. I am nervous for several reasons, never met the doc, not sure exactly what to expect and then of course the whole praying everything is okay with our little one. I will update as soon as I can, things have been a little more hectic around the house with the holidays etc... I am so far behind, usually by now I have my Christmas cards done and in the mail (they are ordered and I am waiting for delivery); majority of the shopping done and started on wrapping. However I have been tired and now I am coming down with a cold-UGH!!! The coughing started yesterday and I started feeling it in my chest (upper respiratory). My question is do I call my regular physican or just wait to talk to my obgyn on Thurs?

The Cat's Out of the Bag

I know I haven't been the best blogger, I have been busy but I am making up for it today with 3 posts:)  LOL!
Well Hubby and I had decided or so I though that we would wait till Christmas to tell everyone about our blessing. Then Thanksgiving morning we were having a lazy day around the house enjoying the parade on television and lounging in our pj's it was so nice. Then hubby comes to me and says he wants to tell everyone today, that he doesn't like keeping the secret and he wants prayers and support- that I get. So we sat the kiddos down, showed them the video of the ultrasound from the day before and then told them that they were going to be a big brother/ big sister again. Our daughter got it right away and she is super excited, she is so cute. However I was not quite prepared for some of the questions- "Who put the baby in there?" LOL! "What happens if the baby comes out brown?" my response:  "um, we will love it no matter what color it is or what it looks like however I am pretty sure it is going to have peach color skin". We hadn't had lunch yet and I was hungry, my belly growled and she thought the baby was growling at us!!! OMG gotta love it!
My son on the other hand didn't really say a whole lot and I am not sure he really gets it just yet.
My daughter of course wants a girl and my son wants a boy; my daughter then informed my son that if its a boy he better not teach it to aggravate her! I am telling you she is a mess. However my daughter already has names picked out (she has had them picked out for a while, if she ever had a brother or sister), thankfully I like them but I haven't gotten that far yet to begin thinking of names etc...
Then it was time to tell the family. We decided to include it in the blessing at Thanksgiving. So we said the blessing and then said our daughter is learning to be thankful at school etc... and she wants us to go around and say what they are thankful for this year. Then our daughter said she was thankful that we were going to have a baby- that mommy has a baby in her belly! I think everyone was shocked and not sure what to say because the room was silent. LOL!
So anyhoo, I guess telling everyone makes it seem more real. I have my next doctors appointment next Thursday, this is the first time I will be seeing my high risk obgyn, not too sure what to expect, but praying that all is well.

Kelly's doing a great GIVEAWAY...

Check out Kelly's blog  http://kellyskornerreviews.blogspot.com/2010/11/olay-total-effects.html   , I know this time of year everyone can use a little extra cash and you get to learn about a great skincare product. Kelly is a fellow blogger who is pregnant with her second kiddo and like her my skin is going through some changes with all the hormones. I also need something simpler than the three step program I am using. So I am using Kelly as my guinea pig (sorry Kelly) and see what she thinks of the product  over the next 4 weeks. She is blogging about the product. Here is where the cash comes in, go to her blog, read the post and find out how you could win a $100 visa =)  Good Luck

Free Holiday Cards

If you are like me I am always up for a bargain, and what a bargain this is, 50 FREE holiday cards- YES FREE!!!! Shutterfly is GIVING yes GIVING you 50 free holiday cards, all you have to do is go to Shutterfly
http://www.shutterfly.com/ and check out the promo and then blog about the offer and your favorite items that they offer.
Shutterfly has so many different holiday cards to choose from, it is so hard for me to choose one! I have used Shutterfly in the past for Christmas cards  http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards and I get so many compliments on the nice cards. So of course I am using Shutterfly again this year. The only problem is choosing which card I want to send! I love the variety that they offer, along with the convenience of it all  http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/holiday-cards   . I create the card (or cards) right from my couch, and with a click of the button they are ordered, so nice with the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. I have already created several cards with our family photos and now my husband and I just have to sit down and narrow down our choices. I like that with Shutterfly they give you  so many options, you can do a holiday card without a picture, with one picture or with many pictures! I have so much fun creating the cards and playing around with the design.
Not only does Shutterfly do amazing holiday cards, the have many other services. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Shutterfly's photo calendars http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars and so does my husband. Each year my husband requests a photo calendar from Shutterfly as part of his Christmas present. I love that I can get one of hubby's Christmas presents from the convenience of my couch, without having to fight the crowds and long lines, and  not to mention I know it is something he truly wants:)
Shutterfly is so great for the holidays, but don't forget Shutterfly throughout the year, they offer great deals and very cute products. This past year I did my son's third birthday invitations on Shutterfly http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/birthday-invitations . Super easy and I got so many compliments on his invitation. I will definitely be using Shutterfly this holiday season as well as in the coming year with birthday invitations, thank you cards http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/thank-you-cards  and baby announcement:)
So I hope you won't miss out on this fabulous deal with Shutterfly, check them out and save you some hassle and some dough too!

Graduation Day!

Today I had my last appointment with my fertility specialist. I was a nervous wreck yesterday, really worried, and no matter what I read or tried to think positive it just wasn't working. I think the reason I was so nervous etc... was because my hubby wasn't sure he was going to be able to make it to the appointment- it is peak season for him at work. However this morning I felt better and seemed more positive especially when I found out that hubby was going to be at my appointment:)
I got to the appointment a little early (the weather wasn't great- cold and very rainy so I wanted to allow enough time) barely signed in and they called me back- WOW! I guess they were ready to start their Thanksgiving holiday. Thankfully hubby got there early and was able to be at my appointment. We got to see our little one on the ultrasound again today- I LOVE seeing our little one:) Today our little one was moving around, waving at us, kicking it's legs, and the beautiful heartbeat was beating away it was so great to see. Hubby took video on his cell phone but can't seem to get it to email etc... so as soon as we figure that out I will post.
So today is graduation day, my last appointment with my fertility specialist, seems so strange, in two weeks I will see my high risk obgyn for the first time. Anxious for that appointment to get here.
So at the doctors today they kept saying we would have some neat video to share at Thanksgiving, and lots to talk about etc... Well we had planned on telling everyone at Christmas when I will be 14 weeks, but now it has us thinking, should we announce our news tomorrow at Thanksgiving? (I am almost 10wks)  Our biggest concern is our kiddos, if something were to happen, having to explain to them etc...and that is really the big reason why we haven't told anyone. I don't feel comfortable telling everyone before telling the kiddos. I really want the kiddos in on us announcing it, so they feel apart of it from the beginning etc.. I am torn with what to do, I know there is really no right or wrong but I am conflicted. Anyone have any thoughts?
Hope everyone has a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING! and safe travels for those who are traveling.

6 years ago

Six years ago today our precious little boy got his angel wings. William Joseph we miss you every day and love you!!!!

Moving Right Along

This afternoon I had my second ultrasound. I was starting to get nervous before the appointment so I went to the devotional I have been reading, and read over some Bible passages as well as said the prayer to St.Gerard (patron Saint of expectant mothers etc...- I have been saying the prayer nightly), it seemed to help I am not saying I wasn't nervous but it helped. I am trying to be positive and joyous. My blood pressure wasn't sky high which is a good thing being as they took it before the ultrasound-LOL! weight was good etc... So it was on to the ultrasound, and our little gummy bear is doing great!!!!! The doctor commented that it looked like a gummy bear:) and she said all looked great, that I was right on target for 7weeks 6 days. The heartbeat was good and strong 170.  I am to go back to them in two weeks for my final check and ultrasound with this group, and she said at that ultrasound we will see arms, legs and more movement etc...I know longer need to take estrogen (would have been nice to know before hand, just order an refill and it came today- oh well!) Then we got to ask some questions, she recommended a high risk group that was in the same building so that worked out well for us and we went ahead and set up our appointment with them for four weeks from today. Both my hubby and myself got our flu shot- oh whats another shot when you are already taking 6 a day:) It was an eventful day, and exciting. Once we are having the ultrasound and know that all is well, I could sit there all day and look at our little on.
Now the question is when to let the cat out of the bag? My parents know, my blog friends know, my hairstylist knows (because I have a hair appointment next Tuesday for color and I wanted to make sure that it is safe etc...as soon as I asked she asked if I was preggers-LOL!- what are your all's opinion on hair color etc... I only get highlights so it doesn't touch the skin etc...?) but the rest of the world doesn't. Part of me still wants to wait till the first trimester is over like we had planned (which would put it right before Christmas where we could either put it in our Christmas cards or make the announcement at Christmas) but it is getting harder and harder I am so ready to let the cat out of the bag.
THANK YOU THANK YOU for every one's prayers, good thoughts, well wishes and encouragement for today's appointment, it was/ is much appreciated!!!!! I know we are not "out of the woods yet" but today I am feeling joyous and excited:)

Tomorrow

Well tomorrow is our second ultrasound, I am excited to see our little one but of course nervous. I am praying that all is well with our little one, and he/ she is growing  like he/she should. I am really trying to stay positive but I keep having these negative thoughts:(  My hubby came across two books and a prayer card from 6 years ago when I was pregnant with our son William, I have been reading the devotionals and praying the prayer each night before bed, and that seems to calm me. I am really nervous about getting through this month, because November holds lots of bad memories for me. This Friday marks the 6th anniversary of our son William's passing (it is also the day that one of my grandfather's passed away, we used his first name for our son not realizing in our grief that it was the same day that my grandfather had passed away).
I am still having back pain, I just wish I knew what was causing it, I think if I knew that I might be able to "relax" a little bit but I am a worrier (come by it naturally!!!). I am still not having much in the way of pregnancy symptoms, which of course causes me worry- see I told you I am a worrier. I did have a weird dream, in the dream I was pregnant, and we were in a popular bar area of town (something we never do!) and my hubby and I were seperated- I had gone looking for a restroom when I saw a tub of ice cold beers and decided to have one. I was enjoying the beer, about half way through it or so when I remembered I was pregnant and I started to panick and didn't want my hubby to find out, trying to figure out how to cover up the beer breath etc... Okay this is just bizarre because I am not much of a drinker, couldn't tell you the last time I had something alcoholic and when I do it is usually a foo foo drink, or a glass of wine, never a beer! I just have to laugh at this dream, and look forward to telling hubby about it at lunch time to get his take on it. Anyhoo I hope to be updating tomorrow afternoon with some great news!!!! Please keep me in your prayers:)

Still NEED Validation

I struggle day to day with being pregnant, because I am so afraid of losing the baby. Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE being pregnant it is just I feel like at any moment it could all end.  Some days I am really positive and thinking about the future and excited to tell EVERYONE and wanting to tell everyone NOW! Then other days I am in fear that something is going to happen and I am have a hard time looking to the future or if I do I am afraid I am jinxing myself. I cannot even bring myself to bring out the book what to expect etc...because my last pregnancy the day that I did get the book out is the day that my last beta came back saying I was miscarrying. Infertility sucks and it affects you even when you are pregnant. I keep counting the days/ weeks left in the first trimester (which is sad to say I am not 100% positive how many weeks are in the first trimester because I am afraid of looking that info us and jinxing myself-I know go ahead and laugh!) thinking if I could just make it out of the first trimester. I so want to tell our family at Thanksgiving ( I will be almost 10weeks) however I think we are going to wait till Christmas. Right now I am just trying to get to our next ultrasound appointment next Thursday, hoping and praying that we see a beautiful heartbeat and a growing baby! My urinalysis came back normal but she did say I needed to increase my water intake. I am still having lower back pain (but THANKFULLY no more bleeding) and I know she said that it's nothing to worry about but I cannot help but worry! I did notice that if I drink more water it seems to help so maybe its a kidney thing.
I went to my endocrinologist on Tuesday and all is well. They went over all that I have to have done (eye check-up every trimester; see the endocrinologist once a month with blood work along with faxing my blood sugar readings once a week; see a dietitian; and go ahead and set up my first appointment with my high risk obgyn) along with the risks of diabetes and pregnancy. I get nervous doing all this stuff, especially setting up appointments, because what if something happens and then I have to call and cancel everything. I did go for my eye check-up yesterday and all is well; I see the dietitian today. I am waiting to talk to my fertility specialist next Thurs. before setting up my appointment with my high risk obgyn; just like I have waited to tell my cardiologist as well. It is not that I don't want to do these things or that  I don't want to tell everyone I am just afraid and that just SUCKS!
I really hope after the first trimester I can relax and enjoy everything. It doesn't help that my symptoms come and go- I am constantly checking out my "girls" to see if they are bigger or sensitive; I worry if my blood sugar readings are normal  because what does that mean?; if I eat and don't get nauseous why? UGH I could go on and on, I guess I just needed to vent. Hubby doesn't fully get it he says I need to be positive and he is right but it is so DARN HARD. I am looking forward to the day I can relax and enjoy my pregnancy with a belly and all!
I was actually having a pretty positive morning till my mom called to tell me that my sister-in-law's cousin lossed her baby (she was about 8weeks- 1 week ahead of me). I know what she is going through and it sucks I feel so bad for them. Please keep them in your prayers. So now I am back to worry wart mode:(
UGH!!!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Ok well just a little panic attack

So my husband called the doctors office and was able to get me in this afternoon, thankfully my mom was able to watch the kiddos so that my hubby could go with me. THANK God it turns out I was having a major panic attack and over reacting. I had an ultrasound done and there is one baby (so one of our snow babies is an angel now, which is disappointing/ sad but I am thrilled that their is one baby) with a beautiful heartbeat. I am 6 weeks 3 days and my due date is June 24, 2011- which is my parents wedding anniversary:) They said the spotting is normal and the back pain may be due to a urinary/ bladder infection- they are testing me for that. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all your kind thoughts and prayers!!!!! PLEASE keep them coming, I am trying to be positive of course it helps looking at that beautiful ultrasound picture- this is the first ultrasound picture of our baby and one that didn't involve heartbreak.

I'm back and I am scared and sad

Well we had a good vacation, lots of walking, it was hot (above normal temps the week we were there- of course!) and I noticed that I wasn't experiencing a lot of the symptoms that I had been which had me a little worried. Yesterday I woke up with low back pain which again freaked me out, but my husband said it's probably due to riding in the car so much the day before however there was something in the back of my mind saying things aren't right. Then last night I had a breakdown, my husband got mad at me because he says I always think the worst etc... I went to bed crying.
Then this morning I woke up felt okay went to my daughter's conferences and started feeling not so good, afterwards I went to the restroom and I was spotting. Now I am having low back pain/ cramps and I think my intuition was right that things aren't good and that I am miscarrying. I called the docs office twice and finally got a hold of someone and all they could say is that their is no intervention and that I can come in for a scan tomorrow- my 6week ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I just want an answer, but I think I already know the answer that I am losing my babies. I feel so alone, I HATE this!!!!! I am so mad, angry, scared, sad and an emotional wreck. I have done everything I was suppose to, I have watched my sugars like a hawk, I stayed away from ALL the yummy desserts on vacation, no halloween candy, no caffine, taken my medicine like I am suppose to, didn't ride any rides that they said pregnant woman shouldn't ride etc...WHY? WHY? WHY?

FINALLY

FINALLY after waiting all afternoon yesterday and all morning this morning my doctors office finally called with my latest HCG numbers (I don't fault my doctors office I have a feeling it was the lab!). My first HCG number on Monday was 350 and yesterday it was 765!!!!! YAY!!!! and my progesterone number also increased by 2. The nurse said they were all good numbers, it really was a relief to hear that! Now I can relax a bit and enjoy our vacation- we leave this weekend for Dis.ney:) When we get back from vacation that Thurs. (Nov. 4th) I will have my first ultrasound- which I am sure I will be nervous about. We got past one hurdle today (my last miscarriage we found out I was miscarrying with the 2nd beta) now if we can just get past the ultrasound with a good ultrasound (In the past ultrasounds have not been a good experience for us, when I was pregnant with our first son William, we went to my first ultrasound at around 3.5 months and found out he had no bones etc... it was devastating). So with that said I am going to try and relax and enjoy this experience as well as our vacation. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU  for all your continued support, prayers,encouraging words, advice and friendship it means so much to me.  We appreciate it if you could please keep us in your prayers.

Waiting

Well I had my lab work done this morning and I am anxiously waiting for a call from the doctors office. I choose to have my lab work done at an outside lab because then I wouldn't have to get someone to watch my son while I have it done (don't want a lot of questions from friends/ family because we aren't telling anyone right now). I am very nervous because this is the place that I went the last time I was pregnant, and it was the second beta test that told us that we were miscarrying. So here we are again waiting on the results of the second beta test. I am not sure when I will get the results it will either be this afternoon or maybe not till tomorrow morning. I called the doctors office just a little a while ago to check to see if they have the results hoping that maybe they will call the lab.
I am trying to remind myself that where I have the blood work done doesn't affect the results, think positive, and to remember it is God's will. However with that said it is not easy this waiting and waiting!

Question

I have looked at I don't know how many websites about acupuncture and can't get a straight answer so I thought I would ask you all!  I have been doing acupuncture once a week with exception of the week of the transfer when I did two sessions on the day of the transfer (before and after). Should I continue with the acupuncture and if so for how long? Acupunture is expensive however it is worth it if it helps prevent miscarriage etc... I just am not sure what to do and what most people/ woman do? So I would love some advice:)  THANKS you in advance for any advice you can give on the subject!

THE day

This morning I went for my beta test (I decided not to POAS before today). I was really uneasy not sure what to expect, one moment I felt sure we were pregnant and then the next I was sure we weren't. I didn't expect to get the result at the doctors office so hubby didn't go with me (and as it turned out he was needed at work). I dropped my daughter off at school and took my son to my cousins, she so graciously agreed to watch him for me- she has a son that is 8 months older than mine so it worked out well.
I get to the doctors office and they ask for a urine sample, so I kind of figured I was going to find out one way or the other this morning. The next thing they did was the blood draw and then I had to wait in the "library" conference room. Luckily I didn't have to wait long! My doctor walked in and said we are PREGNANT!!!!! I am soooo excited and I couldn't wait to call hubby. She said that as soon as she did the pregnancy test it showed positive- and she gave me the test as a keepsake.
I just got a call from the doctors office  which of course scared the crap out of me because they didn't say they would call this afternoon with the lab work so I had a bad feeling. However they were just calling me with my lab numbers- my progesterone number is good (26.5 anything above 20 she said is good) and my HCG is 350 which she said is a really good number for first draw. So that was all comforting news once I was able to calm down from the fact that they were calling!
I got back Wed. for my next blood work/ HCG numbers- hoping and praying for a 700 or better!!!!! I am really nervous about this one because my last pregnancy a little over a year ago when I went for my 2nd blood draw my numbers had dropped and I miscarried:(
I already have my first ultrasound schedule for November 4th (the Thursday after we get back from vacation).
Needless to say we are VERY VERY excited but also nervous and cautious. Please pray for me for Wed. blood draw for BIG numbers! THANK YOU ALL for all your encouragement and support I don't know how I would be able to do this without your all's support:)

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

 Today is a day set aside for all the families who have lost an infant or a pregnancy. It is a pain no one understands until they have been through it. I am lighting a candle tonight in rememberance of all those who have lost a baby as well for my babies in God's arm's.

WE LOVE YOU and MISS YOU every single day!!!!!!

William Joseph (November 12, 2004)

Baby W (October 10, 2008)

Baby W (September 1, 2009)

Blog Giveaway

Beckie at  http://beckiesinfertile.blogspot.com/  has an awesome blog give away!!! Go to her blog and check it out:) and GOOD LUCK!

Doing Better

I just wanted to let you all know I am doing better. I am still questioning/ wondering about every little ache, twinge, feeling etc... I am feeling however I think mentally I am in a better place. I am anxious for Monday to get here. I am trying to think positive thoughts and I am praying for positive results too!
I am thinking about all of you out there who are waiting on your transfer, waiting the two weeks for your beta, waiting for your ultrasounds and of course for those of you who received a negative beta- my thoughts and prayers are with you all.
THANK YOU so MUCH for the positive thoughts, encouraging words and prayers said for us, they are much appreciated.

First Breakdown

Well last night I had my first breakdown in a really long time, don't know exactly what it is probably the meds but everything just seems so overwhelming right now. I broke down when it came time to give my PIO shot. My rear-end is soooo sore right now and the range in which I can reach is limited so I am trying to avoid the same areas but eventually I am going to run out of space. I was just having a very bad day yesterday and today I woke up in a bad mood too. Saturday was great, I was confident that the transfer went well, and hey I might actually be pregnant (don't get me wrong still had my fears and worries). Saturday I was feeling exhausted and somewhat nauseous- thinking hey this is a good sign (or my mind playing tricks on me!). Saturday afternoon I slept all afternoon from after lunch till about 5pm when hubby woke me up to decide what to do about dinner. I even went to bed fairly early for us on Saturday night and got to sleep till 9am! But then Sunday came along and I was just in a horrible mood, thinking the worst that the transfer didn't work, I wasn't as tired, didn't feel nauseous etc....just knew that I wasn't pregnant but wanting it sooo badly. The kids had a bday party yesterday afternoon that I really didn't feel like going to but wasn't going to have them miss out on. I ended up only taking my daughter (long story but son didn't take an afternoon nap and daddy said no party) to the party and I was not in the party kind of mood. I get there I can't seem to avoid over hearing the woman's conversations (small party room) discussing a third child and "oh yes just go for it you will love having three etc... "coming from the fertile myrtle who is pregnant with her 4th child her oldest is 5! UGH!!!!! So frustrating just wish it was so easy to one day wake up and go oh yes I think I want another child and a wave of the wand and you are magically pregnant.
I am so sorry for this negative post but I need someone/ something to vent to because my mom just doesn't get it and neither (for some reason) does hubby and since we aren't telling anyone else I have no one to vent to. I HATE this waiting!!!!! I just want to know but then I don't want to know. I want to know so that I have just a little peace of mind (of course then it will turn to what are my beta #'s, will they double, will the ultrasound show a heartbeat etc... it's never ending I know). I guess my biggest fear right now is if I am truly in fact (praying to God that I am) pregnant I am scared of miscarrying on our vacation. In two weeks we are going to be in Disney for the week, the kiddos are so excited and I don't want anything to ruin their joy.
Right now I am so many thoughts running through my mind and so many emotions. I am worried about not feeling anything and yet worried that every little pain or twinge is something wrong. On top of all this my blood sugars are all out of wack so I am trying to really watch my carbs while they are also adjusting my insulin. It is so hard because I am a CHOCOHOLIC!!!! I love my sweets but right now they are out of the question. I know that in the end it will all be worth it (or at least that is what I am trying to convince myself that their will be a happy ending at the end of all this), but next Monday cannot come soon enough.

PUPO

This morning we had our transfer. Everything went smoothly, my daughter was dropped off at school without any issues, I made it to my acupuncture appointment in plenty of time as well as to the doctors office. Hubby was able to meet me at the doctors =) They took me right back, to change into a gown etc...I played my quiet/ meditation throughout the whole process. They showed us pictures of two beautiful embryo's that they said looked really good. The actual transfer went well, the doctor said it couldn't have gone any better. I rested up at the doctors office after the transfer,then hubby drove me home where I rested, had some lunch and then my mom took me to my acupuncture appointment. Didn't realize that they don't advise driving until Saturday- so we are having to work a few things out as far as getting my daughter to and from school (my parents and Eric are the only ones besides my blog friends of course, who know about the transfer). But I am happy that things went so well, trying to rest and relax as much as possible. My mom is thankfully keeping the kids till tonight; and I made soup and chili earlier in the week for meals this week. So now it is in the Lord's hands, PRAYING our embies stick:) My beta test is Monday October 18th, I am not sure yet if I will POAS before or not.

My First Blog Award!

The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are as follows:


Accept your award and post it on your blog along with a link to the person who has sent it to you. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you have newly discovered. You must contact the person to let them know that you have chosen them to receive the award.

THANK YOU Alison and Jess at  http://agreateryes.blogspot.com// for this lovely award, I have never received a blog award before and really appreciate the kindness:)  Now I just hope that I can figure out how to link everyone's blogs to mine- never done something like this.


Aaron and Jennifer at:  http://aaronandjennwilson.blogspot.com/

Dusty and Ashley at:  http://weareexpectingmiracles.blogspot.com/

Krista at:  http://lordfamilyadventures.blogspot.com/

Carli at:  http://carliderek.blogspot.com/

Jen at:  http://jens7fromheaven.blogspot.com/

Elizabeth and Dan at:  http://www.deshack.blogspot.com/

Melissa at:  http://melissap05.blogspot.com/

Krisa at:  http://oncemore-lord.blogspot.com/

Marsha at:  http://ouransweredprayers.blogspot.com/

Lisa at:  http://ourembryoadoption.blogspot.com/

Adrienna at:  http://our-journey-to-parenthood.blogspot.com/

Shannon at:  http://www.roomformorekiddos.com/

Em at:  http://snowflakesareoneofakind.blogspot.com/

http://lowfatlady.wordpress.com/

Anna at:  http://pinkadotsgirl.blogspot.com/

Britney at:  http://tyghbritneybrae.blogspot.com/

PIO Shots

Well I started my PIO shots on Saturday, and so far so good. THANK YOU all for your advice, my husband and I watched the video on how to give the shot properly (and at this point he chickened out on me and decided he couldn't give me the shot), and I am icing the spot until it's completely numb:) LOL! I do think it would be easier if hubby would give me the shot but I can do it. My biggest issue is my tushy is really sore:( but I guess I will get use to it.
I am trying to get the house in order and some meals pre-made so that I can rest after the transfer. My mom is thankfully taken the day off from work on Wed. to help me out with the kiddos and hubby is going to try and at least get off work for the transfer so I don't have to do it alone. Question do your hubby's go with you to the transfer?
I have my acupunture appointments set for an hour before I have to be at the doctors office and again that afternoon. I am trying to keep my thoughts/ head on straight about everything. Trying to be optimistic but also know the reality too (after seeing some of the bloggers who had a rough week last week- I really do feel for them and it made it more of a reality too). To tell you the truth I am not sure how to feel! I am nervous, excited and then not sure all at the same time.
I am thinking about all my bloggy friends out there, who are preparing for transfer, having their transfer this week, those waiting on betas and those who have gotten their beta results good or bad, and I am praying for you all.

We are a GO!

I went for my lining check today and everything looks great:)  We are schedule for transfer next Wednesday morning!!!!  My appointment took FOREVER today!!!! I got there a few minutes before my appointment time, and after sitting a while in the waiting room I knew it wasn't going to be a quick appointment. I finally got called back and I waited and waited for a while (all the time I am half naked and FREEZING!). Finally they come in and do the ultrasound, I still have that stupid cyst on the one side however they are still saying it isn't an issue. She said the lining looked good and we are set for next week, then she tells me they are going to put a stitch in my cervix?! I of course was a little taken aback because they hadn't mentioned this before. So then they prep me for this and say the doc will be back in, in a few minutes after the numbing gel takes affect. Well I sat there for over 40 minutes freezing the entire time! Anyhoo the doc finally comes in and of course apologizes for the wait and explains the procedure- it helps with transfer. The stitch wasn't bad at all, it was like mild cramping of course with the numbing gel in and then being numb from freezing I don't think I could really feel anything anyways LOL!. Anyhoo after the stitch is in, we go over my meds (start the progesterone injects tomorrow- wish me luck because my hubby is not wanting to do them, which means I will be on my own:(  and then of course we had to take care of the financial.  I am excited that we are all a go, I am waiting to hear back from the acupuncturist to set up my before and after transfer appointments.
I am soooo nervous about the shots I will be starting tomorrow, I am sooo dreading them after hearing all your stories as well as seeing the needle-UGH!  I am also a little disappointed that my hubby isn't going to the transfer with me on Wed. looks like I will be going solo. My mom has so graciously taken off work, and it taking care of the kiddos for me so she can't go with me and since we aren't tell anyone else I am left solo. So any advice would be greatly appreciated as well as prayers:)

More Prayers Needed **UPDATE**

We have worked feverishly to get the word out about our friends the Vaughn's who are fighting to keep their son who they have been trying to adopt for the past three years (see previous post for story). The court ordered that that Vaughn's turn Grayson over to his biological father however the Vaughn's did not do that because they have pending appeals etc... and it has thankfully not been enforced. However the BF is asking the courts today at 4pm to enforce the order, and if it is granted than Grayson will be turned over to his BF today:(  without a transition plan. This means the courts will order Grayson an almost three year old little boy be turned over to his BF who he has only met 1 time for a little over 3 hours (per court order and the visit ended badly!) a year or so ago. How terrifying this must be for our friends the Vaughn's but especially for Grayson. So PLEASE PLEASE PRAY for our friends the Vaughn's, for Grayson, and for the courts/ Judges who will be making these decisions, that they do so with the best interest of Grayson in mind.
If anyone wants more information on this case and all that we are doing (letters, emails, faxes, petitions, news reports and newspaper reports) there is a face.bk page Keeping Grayson Home  please check it out! THANK YOU for any help and prayers that you might provide:)

**UPDATE**
Just wanted to give an update on today's court hearing. The court hearing seemed to take FOREVER, I am not a patient person (which doesn't bode well for the 2ww I have a head) however it was good news as good news goes. Grayson is at home tonight with his mommy and daddy:) The courts decided to issue a stay until all the legal matter in Ohio is worked out. The Vaughn's will be going to mediation (don't quite understand that, or what exactly it is for- it was late when we got word/ they got out of court so I hope to find out more); and in the mean time Grayson will have visitation with his BF in Indiana. So we are so thankful that our prayers were answered today/ tonight and that Grayson is home with his mommy, daddy, big brother and sissy. We ask for your continued prayers.

PRAYING

We are asking for everyone to please pray for our friends, they are in need of a miracle right now!!! They have been trying to adopt their little boy for 3 years. Their son Greyson was born in Ohio where the birthmother gave up her rights. Our friends live in Indiana, and that is where Greyson has lived his whole life with our friends, their son and daughter. They have had Greyson since he was born. When he was 17months old, Greyson's birthfather came forward saying he wanted his son. Our friends have been in a court battle ever since, Greyson is about to turn 3 the end of Oct. Apparently the courts in Ohio are disreguarding adoption laws and are granting the birthfather custody of Greyson (even though this birthfather showed no interested in Greyson the first 17 months of his life and the birthfather has a criminal record including assault and drug use). Yesterday our friends lost their court battle in Indiana (they had already lost in Ohio) and they now have 48 hours to turn Greyson over. I cannot imagine what our friends must be going through it is BREAKING my heart both for them and for Greyson. I cannot imagine taking a 3yr old from the only family and home he has ever known. Our friends are devastated, and of course their other two children are beyond confused, I can't understand why this is happening and then having to try and make sense of it for the two children?! I don't understand what the judges reasoning is. PLEASE keep this family in your thougths and prayers!!! THANK YOU! Below is a link to a local television station that aired our friend's story on the news last night.
 http://www.whas11.com/news/Epic-adoption-battle-ends-badly-for-southern-Indiana-family-103491689.html

JUST FOUND OUT: Our friends will be on GMA tomorrow morning to get their story out there.

First Appointment

Today I had my first appointment with the acupuncturist, I thought it was just a consultation. However the appointment was a consultation as well as my first visit. I was excited to have my first visit because I found it interesting and was hoping it was relaxing. YES it was relaxing:)  I really enjoyed my appointment and look forward to next weeks visit. I am doing weekly visits with two visits the day of transfer (one before and one after). It was so nice to get a break in the middle of the day and having something done for me:)  that didn't involve doctors or lab appointments. THANKFULLY my aunt was able to watch the kiddos for me since my husband messed up and thought he work schedule was going to be different this week- it is next week that he will be working the crazy shift (going in at 2/3am and working till mid-morning or so). Which actually have my husbands schedule different next week helps me out because I have my acupuncturist appointment as well as an ultrasound check.
So my question is, those of you who do acupuncture how long after transfer do you continue? Just wondering.
I have a gift certificate for a local spa that I haven't used and I am thinking about using it the weekend before transfer for a massage. I would love to get more than a massage (I have always wanted a facial- had one about ten years ago and LOVED it; and of course a pedicure so my toes look good however I will just give myself one at home) but funds are tight right now so I will just be happy to get a massage!
**Several of the blogsreaders that I  follow had transfers this past weekend- you all are in my thoughts and prayers!!!! Praying for a positive transfer. Those of you who are transfering this week I am thinking of you all as well and sending positive thoughts!!!!

She has arrived

Well I woke up this morning to my visitor, which I was surprised was a day earlier than expected but I was soooo relieved that AF showed up! My body seems to never cooperate so I was worried, what do I do if she doesn't show etc... So anyhoo I called the doc to make sure we didn't need to adjust any of the timeline and they said nope that it is all an estimate and we are still good to go for my next u/s on the 1st of Oct. So today I started estrogen pills and the estrogen patch; just wondering what to expect any have any side-effects to these meds? Anyhoo I am moving right along:)
Oh and follow up the D-R-A-M-A; we amazingly got everything worked out:) WOO-HOO with the mail order pharmacy and I got all the meds I needed this morning to start them this morning-WOW still cannot believe that it worked out I was really starting to panic. Tomorrow I should receive the last of my meds for this cycle. I will be glad when all meds are in hand and I know I have everything needed to proceed with the cycle. I am getting excited but it is a guarded excitement.
Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend!

D-R-A-M-A

UGH! Let's just say I HATE and yes I know hate is a strong word but I HATE Medco pharmacy- that is the mailorder pharmacy we have to use for our insurance. I have never been a fan of theres because it is such a hassle but I really hate them after the fiasco with all my meds needed for the embryo transfer cycle. My docs office faxed the prescriptions on Friday morning and we had not heard from Medco as of yesterday so my lovely hubby called them last night only to find out nothing had been processed, supposidly they were waiting on clarification from my doctor on the medicines (but they had not called the doctors office to get that clarification). So my hubby and Medco decided that I would call the docs office first thing in the morning to have them call Medco for clarification. So I called the docs office and explained the situation. God bless the lady at the docs office for putting up with this whole situation, she was on the phone for over 30 minutes 5 different people and they still at Medco didn't know what the problem or reason for the hold up on the meds! UGH!!!!!! So FINALLY this afternoon I got a call from the pharmacy saying all the meds but one have been processed- the one is a compound drug that they have to have sent to another pharmacy in our plan. But here is the kicker I need two of the meds this weekend to start them hopefully on Sat. and Medco doesn't know if they can guarentee them to arrive by Friday even if we pay to have them overnighted- UGH!!!!! The only one they can overnight for sure is Lupron which I don't need overnighted because it is just a replacement kit that I have to give the docs office for the one they gave me last week. So now I am waiting for a call from Medco to let me know if they can get me the meds on time or if I have to get them from a local pharmacy.
THE ONLY bright spot in this whole mess is the price of the meds, I was quite pleased (and it made the situation more bearable) with the cost of the meds. So anyhoo that is where we are, all I know is I don't need this added stress!

Acupuncturist

I called the acupuncturist that my fertility doctor recommended yesterday and after waiting till this afternoon with no response I called back and left another message. She- the acupuncturist called me back, she seems very nice and I have set up a consultation for next Monday afternoon. Thankfully my hubby is on a different work schedule so I was able to get an afternoon appointment while the kiddos are napping:) I am excited about getting started. She recommends weekly appointments as well as an appointment before and after the  transfer. Of course hubby wasn't thrilled with the cost, it was the same cost as the 30 min. session we had with the social worker or whatever she was that basically said we are stable to proceed etc... he made the comment that it must be the going rate. He understands the necessity but is just frustrated with how much everything cost, which I am too but I guess we just express it differently. So another step forward in our journey.
I am still feeling tired etc.. so I have my theories either: one I am getting sick because I have a tickle in my throat and congestion etc... or two: my thyroid is out of wack- I am having that tested next week. Or I guess theory 3 could be both! Lupron shots are going well, and I take my last bcp tomorrow:)

We have a timeline

Yesterday was my first ultrasound, this is the one that was going to determine the course of action. So I was a little nervous, just not sure what all to expect. Things went great, ultrasound went fine, I do have two tiny cysts on both ovaries however she said nothing to worry about and they won't be an issue. After the ultrasound we went over how things are going to proceede. We are going to transfer two blastocytes and if all goes well that will happen October 6th. I go back for another ultrasound check on October 1st so we will know at that appointment for sure when the transfer will take place. I started Lupron yesterday, gave my first shot in the doctors office to show them that I could do it- piece of cake. Now when I say piece of cake, I am use to giving myself shots, I take insulin and give myself 5 shots a day so what is one more! On the 15th of this month I will stop taking my birthcontrol pills and that is when the other meds will begin. Just curious anyone who is taking or has taken Lupron, does it make you tired? The last two days I just seemed wiped out. I am excited and nervous. While I was at the doctors office they showed me the transfer room, the recovery room, and went over what to expect etc... My husband has downloaded some relaxing music for me to listen to during and after the transfer. I also talked to the docs about accupunture and they recommend it and recommended someone in the local area, so I will be calling her office on Monday about setting up a consultation. I am not sure how many appointments I will do, but will definately do a couple right around transfer time. I just hope that the accupuncturist has evening hours, with hubby's work schedule it is hard for him to get off work, my parents both work so I really don't have a lot of people to rely on to watch the kiddos especially since the only ones who know about this are my parents. Another question I have is on the paperwork it says after transfer to go home and rest for 3 days, do they mean bedrest or just what? I am sure I will ask to clarify that with me however I was just wondering what everyone else has done. My parents are going to be out of town during our transfer so I won't be able to get any help from them. Also did you drive yourself home after the transfer or will I need someone else to go with me? Just some things that I have thought of after my appointment yesterday.
So that is the latest, exciting, we are one step closer each day:)

Our Appointment

Well our appointment was really interesting to say the least. It went well, it was just for a lack of a better word awkward. Anyhoo we are on track for embryo adoption, that is what we have decided to do. So we met with clinical social worker this afternoon, who basically just asked us a bunch of questions similar to a home study questionnaire- that was the awkward part. My husband thought it was a racket for what they charged for the 30 minutes we met with this lady. Of course he thinks the whole thing is a racket as far as cost he thinks the infertility specialist and adoption agencies just take advantage of couples who cannot have children on their own. But don't get me wrong, he is on board and excited about this opportunity. We have chosen our embryo's (we actually chose 3 different sets because the one lady who knows exactly which ones are "spoken" for was not there at that time). So anyhoo we are moving ahead. I also scheduled my ultrasound to check my lining next Friday, that is when they will discuss the medicines etc... and I will have a better idea of the time frame we are looking at, and when things will actually take place. Very exciting!!!!!

made an appearance

Well today is the day we meet with the infertility specialist and today is also the day that AF decided to finally show up. It is so funny to me that for 7+ years I have been wanting AF NOT to show up and have a positive pregnancy test  (which has actually happened a couple of times). LOL! Now I am looking forward to AF finally showing up and starting birth control pills so I can get moving toward embryo adoption or egg donation etc.... So today should be an interesting day, I am a little nervous as to what will happen at the docs office and proceeding forward. Only time will tell.
Today I have a lot on my plate but I have also completed a lot in the last couple of days. The consignment sale is over, and I did okay, to be honest I was bummed that I didn't make more money. I heard from a couple of people saying the consignments location and advertising were all poor:(  bummer. Today I go and pick up my left over stuff and pick up my check. The bad part is they don't have appointments for pick up you just come between a certain time- 5 hour time frame which also happens to be right in the middle of our doctors appointment and then getting dinner ready so I am not sure how all that will play out. My daughter started school yesterday and all went well with that other than one sad mommy. I am glad that she did so well. The birthday party this past weekend went well, the kids had a blast, so we only have one more party left- next weekend the family party for my daughter. So I am getting things checked off my list. I think I will have some relief after today's doctors appointment- wish me luck!

appointment

So we are now at day 35 and still no sign of A.F. gotta love it! UGH so frustrating. However on a good note we have decided to move ahead/ look into other options as mentioned in my previous post. So we have an appointment the end of the month to discuss our options and meet with a counselor to make sure we are "mentally stable" to go through anything beyond what we have done etc... Should be interesting, and I am excited. I am trying not to get too excited because I have been down this road before when I thought this was the answer and it turned out not to be, so much can happen. I just hope and pray this is the door we have been waiting for to open for us and our prayers be answered to growing our family. It is hard not to be hopeful but at the same time I worry about it which I know doesn't help our cause. I guess my worry is what if for some reason this is not the answer, then we are done:(  I am trying to have faith and put it in God's hands but I know this is something our whole family really really wants- now when I say whole family I am talking about my husband and myself and of course the kids talk about wanting a baby etc... they know nothing as to what we are trying to do etc... I am just trying to stay positive and hopeful.
I have been a very busy crazy woman lately, I have so much going on (which helps get my mind of things) with the up coming consignment sale ( it is soooooo hard to get rid of the kids clothes etc.. but I cannot keep everything plus the last time I made some good money that we could really use right about now!), school getting ready to start (which I dread) and both the kids birthday's = 3 birthday parties one family party for each of them and a joint friends party. So if I don't update for a little bit you will know why:)
Still hoping to get some feedback on anyone who has done or is currently going through embryo or egg adoption. Would like some info since we are looking into those options.

looking into something new

Well we are exploring a new option- embryo adoption or egg donation. We are just exploring our options and seeing if this is something that will get us our ultimate goal of having another child. Lots to think about and explore. If anyone out there has experience in this please share:) This last month I have been using the ovulation prediction tests etc. and I did not/ have not ovulated (I am at day 29). So I guess my body decided to take a break again.
Since my last update we have taken care of the "lemon" car that we purchased. The dealership we purchased it from would not help us out so ultimately we had to move on since the laws don't protect us. We ended up taking a hit on it, but glad to be rid of it and hopefully in a reliable car. We ended up getting a very nice mini-van, yes I know I got rid of my van because I wanted something different however to get the space I wanted and the gas mileage etc... this was the way to go. It will be very nice come vacation time this fall with the kiddos because it has two tv screens/ two dvd players etc... We have had the mini-van for about 2 weeks when my hubby backs out of the driveway and backs into his own car! Um hello the mini-van has a backup camera!! His car is just fine but of course my mini-van is going to need some work- paint. So frustrating.

Back to Square one

Well we had a good but very hectic vacation- it was way too short for all that we wanted to do. Of course all of vacation I spent expecting to get my period, I had all the signs- cramps etc... got the all day headache on our girls day- we went to the Amer. Girl store, shopping and lunch. Then the next day, the day we left I started- figures.
I called the infertility specialist to see what the next step is, and now they are back to the approach you are on your own unless you want to go ahead with IUI or IVF. We haven't really discussed what we want to do, I think we are both hoping it will happen on its own. I am using the love ovulation test strips this month and we will see what happens. I am not ready to give up hope that one day we will be a family of 5!
I saw on the local news about a pregnancy diet. A couple who had been told they didn't have much chance of getting pregnant even with help (they tried for over a yr going to an infertility doc.) did researched, followed this diet and within months were pregnant. So its got me thinking, and wondering if anyone out there has tried a pregnancy diet and if it has worked? I am willing to try anything especially if it is low cost:)
I know stress is a major factor and I am under a TON of stress right now- I will get to that in a minute. So that bringings me to acupuncture- who has tried it, is it worth it and how do I go about finding a good one? I know here again is a cost thing. So how often do you have to go and when in your cycle do you start going?  Need some info.
Okay back to stress- My lovely hubby for my 35th b-day took me out car shopping. Mind you there was absolutely nothing wrong with our Hon.da mini-van I was just tired of driving a mini-van and wanted a change. I had been driving a mini-van (not the same one) for 7+ years (yes we were the couple that had planned on getting pregnant right after we got married so when it came time to get a new car before we got married we bought a mini-van knowing it would be filled with kids in no time-LOL!!! Boy did we jenks ourselves). I wanted a large suv. We found exactly what I was looking for and amazingly they offered us what we wanted/ needed for our van without even looking at it (should have been red flag #1!!!!!). Worked a deal and got a new car on my b-day:)  We started noticing a few things like it was getting LOUSY gas mileage and when I put the drivers side window down it smelled of mildew. Yes we asked about a carfax however we didn't push the issue, actually we forgot about it in the process of buying the car etc... (we had the kids with us mistake #2!!!!!); however we did ask for it and it is against the law not to provide it once it has been asked for. Anyhoo 27 days after purchasing the car we were on our way to my in-laws (about 50-60 minutes away) with both kids and my niece in tow. The car broke down on the way- the transmission went out! Luckily it had powertrain warranty left. We had a tow bill of $150; they put a new $11,000 transmission in and after being in the shop for 21 days we got the car back. It runs however it is still getting crappy crappy gas mileage (12 mpg!!!!!!), oh and there is still the smell in the door when you roll the window down and now we notice the passenger floorboard is wet and the car smells of mildew. We have gone back to the dealership however they are not willing to help us out in any way shape or form- we even tried to get another vehicle off there lot (wasn't really what I wanted but I was willing to settled to get out of this one!)however they are viewing the vehicle as a trade and will not give us what we paid for it and inorder to get the other vehicle they want us to pay $100 more per month for the same priced vehicle that we bought! Yes they must think we are stupid. I really and truely do not want another one of their vehicles because I don't trust them. I want my mini-van back however it being in such great shape sold in no time:(   So now I just want our money back so we can go somewhere else! Oh failed to mention that we referred my parents to this dealership (obviously before all this took place) and they bought a brand new vehicle from them!!! So I am completely, overwhelmed and stressed about all this. It makes me physically sick to think how they took advantage of us and we are getting screwed. I know I need to relax but I can't I just want this nightmare to be over!

Big Fat.....

Yep what a way to start off the morning and vacation with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!!! I knew I wasn't pregnant, I mean I know how my body reacts etc... however I had to take a test since I hadn't started ( and I am still using that lovely gel stuff to improve my lining) and of course I am not going to lie I was hoping against hope that I was pregnant. Nope the stupid test screamed not pregnant, you know when I look at that thing it's like it's taunting me HAHAHA NOT pregnant! I hate those tests- I was never good at tests! I mean it's been 7+ years why should my body decide to work now?! You would think after all these months that I am use to seeing that negative test, but nope I still get sad, cry, mad, angry, frustrated etc.... I HATE hope because all it does is cause you pain. Then there is hubby who gets mad  at me for being upset etc... so of course we aren't talking much, another great way to start vacation!
Here is the real ass kicker, if I wouldn't have gone to the fertility specialist and just gone about my way one we would be in the same position we are now (not pregnant), however we would have more money that we wouldn't have wasted on the stupid doc visit and p- test. Not to mention I wouldn't be getting my period right now!!!! But no instead I call the doc, waste more money and now I get to have to joys of menstral cramps etc... the ENTIRE vacation YIPPEE me!!!!!!! Yes I am in a horrible mood, not looking forward to vacation, mad, sad, angry etc... but I think I have a right to these feelings.
So now I guess I have to call the fertility specialist and see what to do next- oh joy! I would say wish me luck but I have given up on luck and that crap!

trying?!

Okay I have been debating on posting for several reasons one big one being I don't want to get to excited. I have been down this road before I remember where we have ended up before and that scares me. Since the endocrinologist put me on Metformin (a pretty high dose) hoping that maybe that would be the trick to getting me a " normal" cycle.  Well for the last 2-3 months I have had a "normal" for me cycle, every 40 days!!!!! Which I cannot ever remember happening for me unless I was taking bc pills or clomid! So yes I was thrilled to be sort of normal- haha. Here is the kicker not knowing my cycle, I could feel myself ovulating etc... but not knowing when to start testing for ovulation- those test sticks get expensive!!!! So I decided to call the fertility specialist to see what they would recommend etc... They of course wanted to see me and do an ultrasound. I thought okay maybe they will put me back on clomid. I mean we know that I have gotten pregnant twice using that. So I go in for the ultrasound and lo and behold I have a nice good size follical. WOW could this really be my body?! Here again I don't want to get too excited at all! So they decided to give me that wonderful (painful-LOL!) hcg shot to make sure I release the follical. I also have to start using the lovely and messy pro.gesterone gell because of course typical of my body my lining is very thin.
So now we are waiting and I HATE waiting. I am trying not to stress myself or think about it but it is hard. Last weekend when it was "prime time" when I shouldn't be stressed I had my niece at our house all weekend- which don't get me wrong I love her but it just adds a little more stress. But the BIG stresser was having to go to my in-laws for a get together (that is a whole nother O.Prah on why that is a big stresser) but then to make matters worse my new (less than a month old!) car decides to break down on the way. UGH!!!!! We have been dealing with that ALL week, thank goodness the dealership has been great. We have a rental that apparently (we just found out today) we will have the rest of the month because my vehicle needs a new transmission!
So who knows about this cycle I just hope and pray that just maybe this is the answer but then I think okay if it didn't work this time please, please, please body cooperate next month!!!! So stressful. Then the end of this week I have been having lower back pain- similar to what I had when I miscarried last Sept. I think its too early for it to be that (it was a week ago yesterday that I was at the fertility spec. office and got the h.c.g shot) but it also feels like when I am about to start. So of course I am trying not to get freaked out and worried it could be a multitude of things but its hard not to think the worse! Where is my crystal ball when I need it?!
The other thing that I have been rolling around in my brain is- should this cycle not work and my body does cooperate next month should we just do IUI. It wouldn't be as expensive since I wouldn't have to take the super.ov.ulation drugs etc... Another thing that I have been wondering for some time is: do you think woman have a certain time during the year that they are most fertile? I have had my pregnancies take place around the same time of the year. I know with my cousin all three of her kids birthdays are within a month of each other! So here is the kicker if that is the case then my "PRIME" time for the year is coming up this month so IUI would increase our chances- right?  UGH so many choices and things to think about. I feel like I am in a maze and I am afraid to make the wrong turn that will lead to a dead end :(

Tax Return

So we got our tax return a couple of weeks ago, and we do have enough money to do one round of IUI. My questions are: is it worth it to just do one round? Are we wasting our money? Should we instead just put the money to go use for the two beautiful blessings we already have (even though I know they would LOVE LOVE LOVE another sibling, they both talk about it all the time!)? Then their is always putting the money towards another adoption- obviously not with the agency we have used in the past because of the cost. UGH!!!! Where is the crystal ball when you really really need one! I know we need to make a decision soon, and just have faith in our decision and in God's plan but as you probably know that is sooooo much easier said than done!
On another note, my A1C is awesome:) The metformin is apparently working to some degree because I had a period although it was like 40 days between my last one and this latest one, and I don't know if I ovulated at all. So I really don't know if it was a success or not, but I am continuing on the medication in hopes that it will help.
Sorry it has been a while since I have posted, not much going on in our life in the way of expanding our family:(

No miracle here!

Well so much for a miracle on my last dose of clomid. I actually ovulated on the clomid however I did not get pregnant:(  I started this morning- what a great way to start a Monday morning UGH! So to "help" me feel better I splurged at went to Starbu.ks and got there new dark cherry mocha- yummo!!!!! HIGHLY recommend. It helped some but I still feel horrible. So I am not sure what is going to happen. Our taxes should be done in the next day or two and then hubby and I will have to sit down and figure out how best to use our tax return. I am hoping it is a decent enough return to do something in the way of expanding our family or at least trying. If there is enough money and we decide to use it to expand our family what should we do? Put it towards an adoption with Reeces Rainbow (which is a definate in the way of expanding our family) or a couple of rounds of IUI knowing that if that does not work we are finished. WHERE is my crystal ball when I need it??????

Just waiting

Just wondering and waiting, trying not to get our hopes up but praying that this is our opportunity. I went ahead and started the lovely suppositories that I had a ton of samples of to thicken my lining and giving us every chance that we can. I am really trying not to think about it, stress about it or get my hopes up but I have to admit it is very hard to do! I just keep thinking that if it does actually work and I do get pregnant this round I won't have to stress over all the money etc... But I also know that if I am I have a very LONG road ahead of me before I even get to hold my baby. I am just trying to do everything right (aside from not listening to the doctor-LOL!) and praying! So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers:)

Hope???

Could it be true that we might actually have some more hope of trying to conceive a child????? I went to my endocrinologist last week for a routine check-up for my diabetes and she of course asked about our attempts to get pregnant. She was quite impressed with my weight loss and with my lab results=)  She said since I am healthier than when I came to her (lost some weight better A1C etc...) she would like to lower some of my insulin levels and try me on glucophage in hopes that it will help my body have a normal cycle and an actual menstral cycle without the clomid or superovulatory meds. She also said that this medication can help with miscarriage. So as of last week I started the glucophage and will increase my dose over the next three weeks and hopefully -fingers, toes crossed, prayer said etc.... it will work!!!!! She said she hates the thought of us having to go to the expensive treatments and wants to help us out as much as she can. So who knows maybe this is the answer we have been looking for- I am trying not to get my hopes us because who knows with this crazy body of mine!
My other sign of hope happened this weekend. I did something I probably should not have but I wasn't ready to just throw in the towel:) When I started my period 18 days ago I was not suppose to start any other fertility meds etc... unless we were willing to fork over the dough for the superovulation meds and IUI- which we don't have the $$$ right now so that is a no. The reason why they wanted me to stop clomid was two fold- they had increased my dosage to 150mg a day for 5 days and I still wasn't producing any or any decent size follicals- I had been on that dosage for two cycles with no luck and my lining was thin- thanks to clomid. I also the last couple of cycles didn't actually ovulate. The other reason is because I had a ovarian cysts- pretty good size which is common when you are clomid. But I had one refill left and I thought what the heck lets see what we can do. Well lo and behold I got a positive on my ovulation test Sunday!!!!! So who knows if their are any decent follicals (since the doc doesn't know that I am taking the clomid there for I am not going in for ultrasound checks etc...)but we are going to give it the old college try. Once again I am trying not to get my hopes up but I am excited by the prospect- maybe my body will actually work right for once!

Making some changes- cutting back

So after sitting down and paying the bills with my hubby- something he typically does himself I was depressed to say the least. We needed to take some action because we are drowning ourselves with all our expenses etc... So I sat down and made a list of things that we could cut back on or get rid of all together. I got rid of my daily newspaper that I had delievered- I can read the paper online and get Sundays coupons from my parents. Got rid of our landline phone and went only to cell phones- we will see how it goes! Then I said get rid of our satelite and go to regular television- my husband not so thrilled about that one or the next suggestion either- only going out to eat for one meal a week with exception of his Thurs. lunch which is work related. So far on the going out to eat we did well this weekend:) As far as the satelite we found a deal or rather a deal found us that we could switch to cable and save money (obviously not as much as if we got rid of it all together however we were in a contract with our satelite co. and the cable co. bought out our remaining contract!) and still have a ton of channels and our beloved- LOL! DVR:)  I have cut back on going to the salon, I am typically every 5-6 weeks for haircut and eyebrow wax however I have not been since right before Christmas- and yes my eyebrows are starting to show it- YIKES! So I feel like I am making and effort to help out since I don't work outside the home- I even called about personal opinion/ product testing however you have to come in and answer questions by yourself and that won't work with the kids etc... however the lady did take my name and number so maybe she will call and we can work some things out to where I can make a little cash!
I am thinking about starting an organic garden and growing our own veggies for the summer- trying to save money plus I think it would be neat for the kids to grow something and who knows my daughter might starting eating a vegetable- LOL! Not sure where to start or even when to start on this little venture so if anyone out there grows an organic garden please share some ideas/ tips:)
The next be thing to tackle will be our tax return. As much as I want to put that money towards infertility treatments I also know that we could get our credit cards payed off:) It breaks my heart to think that we might be done! I just don't know what to do?! It is sooooo hard to decide and I know that if we do put that money towards the treatments and they fail then I will be devastated, depressed and MAD at myself for "wasting" that money.
So that is where we are, would love more suggestions on cost cutting and what would you do with the tax return?

Moving On

I have been thinking about moving on a lot lately and trying to make a very tough decision. I am torn about doing superovulation with IUI. Part of me says YES YES YES we need to try everything that we can, to try and make my dream come true. I also know this is my last chance to do something like this inorder to try and have a baby given my age and healthy history etc... BUT the cost is SOOOO expensive, I wish I knew of a way to help with the cost, or either the meds or the procedure or even both. The only way we are going to be able to swing this is using our tax return. We haven't filed yet so we don't even know how much we are getting back. Our tax return may only give us enough for one try at it and then my thought is, is it even worth it with only one shot at it? I also think about how we could use that money to help us out with bills, our daughters school etc... I know that if we do use this money to try that will add even more pressure to us; and if we use the money and it doesn't work I will have a very hard time dealing emotionally and will feel guilty. I also know either way, if we try and it doesn't work or we don't try because of the cost I am going to have a very hard time dealing with the finality. It just breaks my heart to know I will never have any more babies:(  At this point I HATE money, money is so evil! I HATE that, money is what is stopping us from expanding our family. I just want a crystal ball- LOL!!!! I am sure I am not the only one who would love to have that. So my question is if it was you what would you do?

Family

Not sure where to begin with this one so much has happened that it is hard to put into words. I will say before I get started I know I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I am also going to say that I am responsible for a lot that has taken place within my family and I am trying to work/ mend fences etc... but I also believe that my family just doesn't get how hard it really is to not be able to get pregnant and then when I finally miracle of miracles do I ended up losing him (as well as two other babies).
Now all that I am about to tell you took place before we adopted our children:
My whole relationship with my brother and his family has completely changed and it sucks (although we have worked through some stuff and others we are just not going to see eye to eye!). My brother and I had always been what I would call close, we were only 4 years apart. As we grew older our relationship started to change where he could come for support/ advice etc... he even told me before anyone else that his then girlfriend (of just a couple months) and now wife (they had a vegas wedding 5 months after the baby was born) was pregnant. I helped him break the news to my parents etc.. So you see we were fairly close. Well that relationship obviously changed with a baby and wife in the picture. I have never really felt accepted by my sister-in-law but things were manageable. I did have a very hard time when I found out that they were expecting their second unplanned child but dealt with that in private with my husband; but I did congratulate them when they told us the news and even send cards to my nephew and my sister in law/ brother congratulating them. It wasn't long after I had congratulated them that we too found out we were pregnant with William.  Well I thought it might be a bonding experience with my sister in law etc... but I was wrong. I didn't get the same excitement that I had displayed with the news of their baby when we told them about ours. But anyhoo maybe they were just having a bad day etc... Well things went from not so good to horrible when we found out about our son and then the ultimate loss of him. I admit I grew dispondant didn't know how to handle things etc.. but I did the best that I could/ knew how to do. I had a very hard time dealing with pregnant woman from then on (I had a hard time with it before when dealing with our infertility); seeing their cute bellies, hearing them complain about how difficult it is to be pregnant etc... So needless to say my relationship with my brother and his wife was strained. I didn't go to her baby shower which of course I was the HORRIBLE sister in law for not coming! I did send a gift even though I grew up with the idea you only have one shower and it isn't my fault my sister in law was an idiot and sold all her baby stuff knowing they wanted more kids! Then came the day that my sister in law went into labor- yes on MY due date (and I know that she cannot help when she goes into labor) talk about undescribable pain. And yet I was expected to be at the hospital all happy and jolly etc... So I put on my best smile, took my nephew out shopping for his new baby sister and then proceeded to the hospital, nephew and presents in tow. I tried I really did try but it was so hard, I ended up having to leave the room. My sister in law felt that I was being rude, I couldn't even be happy for them and she was pissed because I wouldn't hold my niece. So that in a nut shell is where our relationship went south; then add in the fact that her own sister is going through infertility issues and is now pregnant (which I truly am happy for them but it doesn't make the pain any less for me or easier for me). My sister in law knows how to get under my skin and she throws her own sisters pregnancy in my face. Her sister was pregnant last Spring and supposidly at my nephews birthday I was really RUDE to her sister- the funny thing is I don't recall being rude at all and neither does my husband. Actually at bday parties ofter you will find my husband and I watching our kids especially our son like a hawk for several reasons- one he is a daredevil and two he has MAJOR food allergies. So most of our time is spent doing that and we don't get to really talk much with others at the party. Yet my sister in law and brother told my parents (and got my mom all worked up and upset) that they felt there was something seriously wrong with me and that I need to be committed etc....Unfortunately a couple of weeks later her sister lost the baby. When I found out the news I really felt for them, because I had been there and I know the pain. And once again my sister found a way to throw it back in my face. She posted on facebk about how horrible it was and just doesn't understand, and doesn't know how to deal- HUH? Don't I know those feeling?! Then of course when she talked with my mom she was telling her how well her sister was handling everything and she was just doing so well even better than my sister in law etc.... The ironic thing was that the day of her due date her sister (my sister in law) was taking her out to lunch, shopping, massages etc... to help her deal with the day and try and keep her mind off things. Yet on my due date I was expected to be all happy happy and going to the hospital to see my new niece and holding her making over her and hearing all about my sister in laws labor etc.... Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture????
So at the same time that my sister in law is pregnant my unwed irresponsible cousin is pregnant. Yes again I have problems dealing with her being pregnant, here we are wanting a baby sooooo bad and she up and gets pregnant at the drop of the hat. And no I didn't go to her baby shower either but I did send a gift with a note explaining why I couldn't be there. And once again my sister in law and others jump on the bandwagon about how I am such a horrible person for not being happy for her etc.... Don't people get it, I am happy for them but living a miserable horrible undescribable pain.
So after a couple of years things have gotten better with my family- I am really really trying to mend the fences. As far as my sister-in-law I don't think those issues will ever be resolved I think she has her opinion and I have mine but for now we tolerate one another as best as we can.
Of course now that we are once again going through infertility issues/ treatment all those emotions come back- WHY? can't we get pregnant; WHY? do all I have is dead babies; WHY? WHY? WHY??? And we are going through this in private because we don't want family knowing and judging. We don't want them saying can't you just be happy with the two children you adopted? YES I am VERY HAPPY and LOVE my children emensly and I know that if I were to change anything that has happened in the past I wouldn't have these two precious beings in my life. I am very grateful for everything that I have; but that doesn't change the feelings of incompletness. I want so badly to know what it is like to carry a child, and birth a live baby. I am not ready to get rid of the baby stuff I want another baby so badly. I would be happy to adopt another child however we just cannot afford the high cost of adoptions.
So that is where I am not trying to find my way in all this mess of infertility and the emotions/ heartbreak etc...

Okay on with my story....

So we get a call from the adoption agency wanting to know if we would be interested in the agency showing our profile. They had a birth couple that had turned down all the other profiles and they thought about us. I was thrilled and excited- this could be it:) So of course we said yes; and the agency said please don't get your hopes up this couple is very picky. So we then played the waiting game for our profile to be shown and find out what that couple wanted to do. I got a call at work from one of the counselors at the agency- we had been choosen and it was a GIRL!!!!!! I was on cloud nine. This was early June and our baby yes OUR baby was due the beginning to middle of September. That summer was a a whirlwind of activities we had so much to do to get ready for the baby; then all the paperwork and classes for the adoption; our family vacation; a friends wedding etc... And then of course meeting the birthparents- we were a NERVOUS wreck!!!!! Then that summer we also met with the birthparents parents (the bp's were very young). I had a shower thrown by my mom the end of August- it wasn't your typical shower but I enjoyed it none the less. Then a week later on a Friday I get another call at work that our bm is in labor=) I of course wrapped up work in record speed- LOL! and the hubby and I waited and waited and waited ALL day for news from the counselor. Finally around 9/9:30 we get a call that our daughter has been born and she is healthy. We didn't sleep much that night and finally the next day around 11:00 we got the call that we could come to the hospital.Long story short that is how our daughter became our daughter. I don't know how In could have loved someone more, she was everything I had wanted and was beyond HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!
So Fast Forward to June of 2007 at the adoption agency's annual picnic. We had just moved into a new home the month before and we were thinking of starting the adoption process again that coming January for a sibling for our daughter. We talked with the agency at the picnic about the various options domestic/ international etc... and decided when the time came we would make our decision but we had several months to think about it or so we thought. Two weeks later we got a call from the agency they had a birthmother that was due any day and were we interested? UM, WHAT did you Say????!!!!! After a very brief discussion we thought this was fate and of course we were interested:)  So that night I stayed up till the wee hours putting together a profile of us to be shown and the next day we took it to the agency. They were showing the bm the profiles the next day(a Friday) and we should hear something the following week. Saturday we got a call from the counselor that we had been choosen!!!!!! So the whirlwind began. We had to move FAST with all the paperwork, updating homestudy and the adoption classes etc.... inorder to bring the baby home with us which by the way was a BOY! We also had a nursery to get together, and prepare our daughter who wasn't even two yet that a sibling was on the way. We met the bm and her mother; I kept in contact with the bm through text messages and even got to go to a couple of doc appointments- turns out she wasn't due until the middle of Aug. so that gave us a little more time THANK GOODNESS!!! We everything done so that we could bring our son home from the hospital. I was in the delivery room when our son was born and then three days later we brought him home. That is how our family came to be and that is what my other blog- my private blog is all about, my family and my two kiddos.
Okay now fast forward to October 2008- I had another surprise pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. However that got me to thinking I really want our family of 3 or 4 kids! Don't get me wrong for a second I LOVE my kiddos and I know that I am TRULY BLESSED to have them but there was something missing.I want to know what it is like to carry a healthy pregnancy to the end; I want to experience everything that it is to be pregnant. And deep down I have this feeling of being scared that when my kiddos get older they will seek out their birthparents (which I cannot blame them) but then where will that leave me??? So by April of 2009 I had gone to my regular doc for a physical and everything was good so we contacted the infertility specialist that we had seen before for a consultation. In May of 2009 we discussed our options- trying Clomid; Clomid with IUI; and then IVF.  Well lets just say IVF is/ was not an option because of the cost- after two adoptions we were drained financially. And I know many will ask how can you afford another child- we can just cannot afford the outrageous cost of another adoption or of IVF. So we thought we would start off with just clomid since I was much healthier than before etc.. So that summer we began the process of starting Clomid (had to get my diabetes in check and start the insulin shots again etc...)- I had my first round the end of July. And I was shocked we got pregnant on the very first round!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!! We weren't going to tell anyone because not many people knew we were trying again and we wanted it that way. My parents knew that we were trying because I needed my mom to watch the kiddos with all my doc appointments etc.... So they obviously knew we were pregnant. I was already having morning sickness- which I know it sounds crazy but I was LOVING it (because it was a good sign of a healthy pregnancy right?!); I was also having a little constipation but nothing a little Miralax couldn't handle- I know TMI!!! I went for my blood tests to check my levels and everything was going good:)  We scheduled an ultrasound for the next week (which I was a nervous wreck about because our previous ultrasounds didn't go well at all etc...) and I had one last blood test before that- nothing to worry about. That night I started having back pains and it really really concerned me but my mom and hubby reassurred me and I went on to bed not giving it a second thought thinking it was just me overreacting. The next afternoon I got a call from the infertility docs wanting to know if I was having any bleeding? I then had a pit in my stomach; the nurse told me that I will start bleeding; that my levels had dropped and I had lost the baby. Here I was at home by myself with my two kids devestated by this news. WHY? WHY? WHY? And of course we were going through it alone because we didn't want to tell anyone we were even trying. So once again I was expected to put on a happy face. And again I re-iterate I realize I am very blessed with my two beautiful kiddos so don't think of me as ingrateful!
So that weekend, the weekend we were suppose to spend at the lake with my family celebrating the summers end; instead I was home in pain, miscarrying our baby. Again the docs were optimistic, we would just try again in a couple of months. So we tried in Nov. with no luck at the development of follicals- something that I had never experienced before!!!!!! The doc wasn't too concerned since it hadn't been that long since I had miscarried and he said we would just try again next month and he upped my dosage to 150 mg of Clomid. WHEW talk about side effects, I really felt them in Dec. with the increase in Clomid. This time we had one maybe two mature follicals- I was obviously dissappointed I was expecting and hoping for more with the increase in clomid. But we still gave it the old college try with no luck. And the following month their was no mature follicals, WTF was wrong with my body?? The doc said this is common with Clomid that it works against your  body's natural cycle etc... and that we were now done with clomid but that we could try Superovulation meds with IUI. So I was like okay we can do that, until I brought all the literature home including the prices. I was floored by the cost of these crazy meds- it is outrageous what Pharmaceutical companies get away with these day! They should cut back on their "catering business" to the docs and cut the costs of these meds it is highway robbery!! My mom works at a docs office and they have EVERY lunch , many breakfasts and even afternoon snacks catered by drug reps!!!!
So that is where we are now in my story of infertility. We are trying to scrape together the money for the meds along with the cost of the visits and proceedures; because yes of course our lovely insurance does NOT cover anything. Gotta love insurance companies too! Ours covers the cost of finding out your are infertile but then they are like adios good luck now:)-   UGH!!!!!  So now we sit and wait to get the money as I grow older and so do my eggs (and I know some of you are thinking 34 is still young however with my heart condition it is not young to have kids so I feel the clock ticking VERY LOUD!). I feel our chances slipping away from us but then again what were my chances in the beginning? We are hoping for a decent tax return that could help our finances and give us at least one and hopefully two shots at the IUI with superovu. meds. I think the hardest part is trying to explain to our kids who want another baby why we cannot- it just breaks my heart. I want nothing more than to give my two beautiful children a sibling.
So that is where I am trying to make my way through this fertile world we live in with infertility.