Big Fat.....

Yep what a way to start off the morning and vacation with a BIG FAT NEGATIVE!!!!! I knew I wasn't pregnant, I mean I know how my body reacts etc... however I had to take a test since I hadn't started ( and I am still using that lovely gel stuff to improve my lining) and of course I am not going to lie I was hoping against hope that I was pregnant. Nope the stupid test screamed not pregnant, you know when I look at that thing it's like it's taunting me HAHAHA NOT pregnant! I hate those tests- I was never good at tests! I mean it's been 7+ years why should my body decide to work now?! You would think after all these months that I am use to seeing that negative test, but nope I still get sad, cry, mad, angry, frustrated etc.... I HATE hope because all it does is cause you pain. Then there is hubby who gets mad  at me for being upset etc... so of course we aren't talking much, another great way to start vacation!
Here is the real ass kicker, if I wouldn't have gone to the fertility specialist and just gone about my way one we would be in the same position we are now (not pregnant), however we would have more money that we wouldn't have wasted on the stupid doc visit and p- test. Not to mention I wouldn't be getting my period right now!!!! But no instead I call the doc, waste more money and now I get to have to joys of menstral cramps etc... the ENTIRE vacation YIPPEE me!!!!!!! Yes I am in a horrible mood, not looking forward to vacation, mad, sad, angry etc... but I think I have a right to these feelings.
So now I guess I have to call the fertility specialist and see what to do next- oh joy! I would say wish me luck but I have given up on luck and that crap!