Friday, February 26, 2010


Not sure where to begin with this one so much has happened that it is hard to put into words. I will say before I get started I know I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I am also going to say that I am responsible for a lot that has taken place within my family and I am trying to work/ mend fences etc... but I also believe that my family just doesn't get how hard it really is to not be able to get pregnant and then when I finally miracle of miracles do I ended up losing him (as well as two other babies).
Now all that I am about to tell you took place before we adopted our children:
My whole relationship with my brother and his family has completely changed and it sucks (although we have worked through some stuff and others we are just not going to see eye to eye!). My brother and I had always been what I would call close, we were only 4 years apart. As we grew older our relationship started to change where he could come for support/ advice etc... he even told me before anyone else that his then girlfriend (of just a couple months) and now wife (they had a vegas wedding 5 months after the baby was born) was pregnant. I helped him break the news to my parents etc.. So you see we were fairly close. Well that relationship obviously changed with a baby and wife in the picture. I have never really felt accepted by my sister-in-law but things were manageable. I did have a very hard time when I found out that they were expecting their second unplanned child but dealt with that in private with my husband; but I did congratulate them when they told us the news and even send cards to my nephew and my sister in law/ brother congratulating them. It wasn't long after I had congratulated them that we too found out we were pregnant with William.  Well I thought it might be a bonding experience with my sister in law etc... but I was wrong. I didn't get the same excitement that I had displayed with the news of their baby when we told them about ours. But anyhoo maybe they were just having a bad day etc... Well things went from not so good to horrible when we found out about our son and then the ultimate loss of him. I admit I grew dispondant didn't know how to handle things etc.. but I did the best that I could/ knew how to do. I had a very hard time dealing with pregnant woman from then on (I had a hard time with it before when dealing with our infertility); seeing their cute bellies, hearing them complain about how difficult it is to be pregnant etc... So needless to say my relationship with my brother and his wife was strained. I didn't go to her baby shower which of course I was the HORRIBLE sister in law for not coming! I did send a gift even though I grew up with the idea you only have one shower and it isn't my fault my sister in law was an idiot and sold all her baby stuff knowing they wanted more kids! Then came the day that my sister in law went into labor- yes on MY due date (and I know that she cannot help when she goes into labor) talk about undescribable pain. And yet I was expected to be at the hospital all happy and jolly etc... So I put on my best smile, took my nephew out shopping for his new baby sister and then proceeded to the hospital, nephew and presents in tow. I tried I really did try but it was so hard, I ended up having to leave the room. My sister in law felt that I was being rude, I couldn't even be happy for them and she was pissed because I wouldn't hold my niece. So that in a nut shell is where our relationship went south; then add in the fact that her own sister is going through infertility issues and is now pregnant (which I truly am happy for them but it doesn't make the pain any less for me or easier for me). My sister in law knows how to get under my skin and she throws her own sisters pregnancy in my face. Her sister was pregnant last Spring and supposidly at my nephews birthday I was really RUDE to her sister- the funny thing is I don't recall being rude at all and neither does my husband. Actually at bday parties ofter you will find my husband and I watching our kids especially our son like a hawk for several reasons- one he is a daredevil and two he has MAJOR food allergies. So most of our time is spent doing that and we don't get to really talk much with others at the party. Yet my sister in law and brother told my parents (and got my mom all worked up and upset) that they felt there was something seriously wrong with me and that I need to be committed etc....Unfortunately a couple of weeks later her sister lost the baby. When I found out the news I really felt for them, because I had been there and I know the pain. And once again my sister found a way to throw it back in my face. She posted on facebk about how horrible it was and just doesn't understand, and doesn't know how to deal- HUH? Don't I know those feeling?! Then of course when she talked with my mom she was telling her how well her sister was handling everything and she was just doing so well even better than my sister in law etc.... The ironic thing was that the day of her due date her sister (my sister in law) was taking her out to lunch, shopping, massages etc... to help her deal with the day and try and keep her mind off things. Yet on my due date I was expected to be all happy happy and going to the hospital to see my new niece and holding her making over her and hearing all about my sister in laws labor etc.... Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture????
So at the same time that my sister in law is pregnant my unwed irresponsible cousin is pregnant. Yes again I have problems dealing with her being pregnant, here we are wanting a baby sooooo bad and she up and gets pregnant at the drop of the hat. And no I didn't go to her baby shower either but I did send a gift with a note explaining why I couldn't be there. And once again my sister in law and others jump on the bandwagon about how I am such a horrible person for not being happy for her etc.... Don't people get it, I am happy for them but living a miserable horrible undescribable pain.
So after a couple of years things have gotten better with my family- I am really really trying to mend the fences. As far as my sister-in-law I don't think those issues will ever be resolved I think she has her opinion and I have mine but for now we tolerate one another as best as we can.
Of course now that we are once again going through infertility issues/ treatment all those emotions come back- WHY? can't we get pregnant; WHY? do all I have is dead babies; WHY? WHY? WHY??? And we are going through this in private because we don't want family knowing and judging. We don't want them saying can't you just be happy with the two children you adopted? YES I am VERY HAPPY and LOVE my children emensly and I know that if I were to change anything that has happened in the past I wouldn't have these two precious beings in my life. I am very grateful for everything that I have; but that doesn't change the feelings of incompletness. I want so badly to know what it is like to carry a child, and birth a live baby. I am not ready to get rid of the baby stuff I want another baby so badly. I would be happy to adopt another child however we just cannot afford the high cost of adoptions.
So that is where I am not trying to find my way in all this mess of infertility and the emotions/ heartbreak etc...

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Okay on with my story....

So we get a call from the adoption agency wanting to know if we would be interested in the agency showing our profile. They had a birth couple that had turned down all the other profiles and they thought about us. I was thrilled and excited- this could be it:) So of course we said yes; and the agency said please don't get your hopes up this couple is very picky. So we then played the waiting game for our profile to be shown and find out what that couple wanted to do. I got a call at work from one of the counselors at the agency- we had been choosen and it was a GIRL!!!!!! I was on cloud nine. This was early June and our baby yes OUR baby was due the beginning to middle of September. That summer was a a whirlwind of activities we had so much to do to get ready for the baby; then all the paperwork and classes for the adoption; our family vacation; a friends wedding etc... And then of course meeting the birthparents- we were a NERVOUS wreck!!!!! Then that summer we also met with the birthparents parents (the bp's were very young). I had a shower thrown by my mom the end of August- it wasn't your typical shower but I enjoyed it none the less. Then a week later on a Friday I get another call at work that our bm is in labor=) I of course wrapped up work in record speed- LOL! and the hubby and I waited and waited and waited ALL day for news from the counselor. Finally around 9/9:30 we get a call that our daughter has been born and she is healthy. We didn't sleep much that night and finally the next day around 11:00 we got the call that we could come to the hospital.Long story short that is how our daughter became our daughter. I don't know how In could have loved someone more, she was everything I had wanted and was beyond HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!
So Fast Forward to June of 2007 at the adoption agency's annual picnic. We had just moved into a new home the month before and we were thinking of starting the adoption process again that coming January for a sibling for our daughter. We talked with the agency at the picnic about the various options domestic/ international etc... and decided when the time came we would make our decision but we had several months to think about it or so we thought. Two weeks later we got a call from the agency they had a birthmother that was due any day and were we interested? UM, WHAT did you Say????!!!!! After a very brief discussion we thought this was fate and of course we were interested:)  So that night I stayed up till the wee hours putting together a profile of us to be shown and the next day we took it to the agency. They were showing the bm the profiles the next day(a Friday) and we should hear something the following week. Saturday we got a call from the counselor that we had been choosen!!!!!! So the whirlwind began. We had to move FAST with all the paperwork, updating homestudy and the adoption classes etc.... inorder to bring the baby home with us which by the way was a BOY! We also had a nursery to get together, and prepare our daughter who wasn't even two yet that a sibling was on the way. We met the bm and her mother; I kept in contact with the bm through text messages and even got to go to a couple of doc appointments- turns out she wasn't due until the middle of Aug. so that gave us a little more time THANK GOODNESS!!! We everything done so that we could bring our son home from the hospital. I was in the delivery room when our son was born and then three days later we brought him home. That is how our family came to be and that is what my other blog- my private blog is all about, my family and my two kiddos.
Okay now fast forward to October 2008- I had another surprise pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. However that got me to thinking I really want our family of 3 or 4 kids! Don't get me wrong for a second I LOVE my kiddos and I know that I am TRULY BLESSED to have them but there was something missing.I want to know what it is like to carry a healthy pregnancy to the end; I want to experience everything that it is to be pregnant. And deep down I have this feeling of being scared that when my kiddos get older they will seek out their birthparents (which I cannot blame them) but then where will that leave me??? So by April of 2009 I had gone to my regular doc for a physical and everything was good so we contacted the infertility specialist that we had seen before for a consultation. In May of 2009 we discussed our options- trying Clomid; Clomid with IUI; and then IVF.  Well lets just say IVF is/ was not an option because of the cost- after two adoptions we were drained financially. And I know many will ask how can you afford another child- we can just cannot afford the outrageous cost of another adoption or of IVF. So we thought we would start off with just clomid since I was much healthier than before etc.. So that summer we began the process of starting Clomid (had to get my diabetes in check and start the insulin shots again etc...)- I had my first round the end of July. And I was shocked we got pregnant on the very first round!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!! We weren't going to tell anyone because not many people knew we were trying again and we wanted it that way. My parents knew that we were trying because I needed my mom to watch the kiddos with all my doc appointments etc.... So they obviously knew we were pregnant. I was already having morning sickness- which I know it sounds crazy but I was LOVING it (because it was a good sign of a healthy pregnancy right?!); I was also having a little constipation but nothing a little Miralax couldn't handle- I know TMI!!! I went for my blood tests to check my levels and everything was going good:)  We scheduled an ultrasound for the next week (which I was a nervous wreck about because our previous ultrasounds didn't go well at all etc...) and I had one last blood test before that- nothing to worry about. That night I started having back pains and it really really concerned me but my mom and hubby reassurred me and I went on to bed not giving it a second thought thinking it was just me overreacting. The next afternoon I got a call from the infertility docs wanting to know if I was having any bleeding? I then had a pit in my stomach; the nurse told me that I will start bleeding; that my levels had dropped and I had lost the baby. Here I was at home by myself with my two kids devestated by this news. WHY? WHY? WHY? And of course we were going through it alone because we didn't want to tell anyone we were even trying. So once again I was expected to put on a happy face. And again I re-iterate I realize I am very blessed with my two beautiful kiddos so don't think of me as ingrateful!
So that weekend, the weekend we were suppose to spend at the lake with my family celebrating the summers end; instead I was home in pain, miscarrying our baby. Again the docs were optimistic, we would just try again in a couple of months. So we tried in Nov. with no luck at the development of follicals- something that I had never experienced before!!!!!! The doc wasn't too concerned since it hadn't been that long since I had miscarried and he said we would just try again next month and he upped my dosage to 150 mg of Clomid. WHEW talk about side effects, I really felt them in Dec. with the increase in Clomid. This time we had one maybe two mature follicals- I was obviously dissappointed I was expecting and hoping for more with the increase in clomid. But we still gave it the old college try with no luck. And the following month their was no mature follicals, WTF was wrong with my body?? The doc said this is common with Clomid that it works against your  body's natural cycle etc... and that we were now done with clomid but that we could try Superovulation meds with IUI. So I was like okay we can do that, until I brought all the literature home including the prices. I was floored by the cost of these crazy meds- it is outrageous what Pharmaceutical companies get away with these day! They should cut back on their "catering business" to the docs and cut the costs of these meds it is highway robbery!! My mom works at a docs office and they have EVERY lunch , many breakfasts and even afternoon snacks catered by drug reps!!!!
So that is where we are now in my story of infertility. We are trying to scrape together the money for the meds along with the cost of the visits and proceedures; because yes of course our lovely insurance does NOT cover anything. Gotta love insurance companies too! Ours covers the cost of finding out your are infertile but then they are like adios good luck now:)-   UGH!!!!!  So now we sit and wait to get the money as I grow older and so do my eggs (and I know some of you are thinking 34 is still young however with my heart condition it is not young to have kids so I feel the clock ticking VERY LOUD!). I feel our chances slipping away from us but then again what were my chances in the beginning? We are hoping for a decent tax return that could help our finances and give us at least one and hopefully two shots at the IUI with superovu. meds. I think the hardest part is trying to explain to our kids who want another baby why we cannot- it just breaks my heart. I want nothing more than to give my two beautiful children a sibling.
So that is where I am trying to make my way through this fertile world we live in with infertility.

Okay where to begin?!

Okay I am trying to figure out how to begin this blog. I have toyed with the idea of starting this blog for sometime and just decided to dive in and figure it out as I go. I have another private blog that I will talk a little bit more on later but I wanted this one to be just about our infertility and the struggles etc...
So my hubby and I met a little over 8 years ago on a blind date. We were married less than a year later- so if you do the math we have been married for more than 7 years:) We knew we wanted kids and our thoughts were 3 or 4- I have one sibling (a brother) and my husband is an only child. So not long after we were married I went to a high risk OBGYN to see if it was "safe" for me to get pregnant because I have a heart condition (since birth; had open heart surgery when I was 2; and pacemaker put in, in my mid 20's). The doc saw no reason why I could not have a baby and I would just require closer monitoring - no biggie. So we went off birth control January 2003 excited with the prospect of getting pregnant and hopefully soon:) Well months went by with no success but I was also having irregular periods. So late that summer I contacted the high risk OBGYN  and we talked about what was going on, deciding I needed to come in for some tests etc... The tests didn't really show much but the doc put me on meds to make me start my period and then he would start me on Clomid. This was a rather large practice that I was going to and I quickly found out they were very incompetent to say they least. Among some fo the incompetencies was leaving test results on answering machines (turns out wasn't my answering machine but my test results; giving me info on how to proceed when the nurse was reading from the wrong womans chart etc... When they started me on Clomid, one I was clueless this was all new to me and I didn't do my research but also the docs didn't have me using an ovulation test kit etc... so I was basically blind in this journey. So after all this going on for several months we decided to leave that practice and search for someone else- this would prove a little difficult because a couple of docs didn't want to deal with me because of my heart condition etc... Luckily we did find a nice small practice that was willing. So we went through more testing (this time included in the testing was my hubby lets just say he wasn't thrilled with this-LOL!) and found that I have a smaller than avg. right ovary that is difficult to find; and also had a blocked tube that was opened during the hystogram. So we were on the right path moving right along thinking that after more than a year this was our opportunity. We did several rounds of Clomid (that was all the doc was willing to try with me at the time) with no luck. So we decided to look into adoption. We found a local agency that my father recommended and we got started right away. At the same time we were starting the adoption process we were finishing up our last round of Clomid. Well our adoption process was moving along, we did the orientation, had our homestudy done and approved and our profile was being shown when I went to the doc for what I thought was a yeast infection and left the docs with a load of info- I was diabetic- talk about shock!!!!! So we were to see an endocrinologist RIGHT away because my sugars were so HIGH and out of control and we were of course told NOT to get pregnant- well we thought that will be easy that is something apparently we are pretty good at!!! A week later something was telling me to take a pregnancy test and lo and behold SHOCK and SCARED I was pregnant after all this time! So things started moving really really fast with docs appointments with endocrinologist; OBGYN; and diabetes management classes. We also made the call to the adoption agency that we wanted our profile to not be shown that we were not going on with an adoption because I was pregnant- they were very excited for us and understanding too!  Once we were over the shock we were THRILLED and could not wait to tell people and we did. We also found out that I wasn't just a little pregnant I was 2 months along and it wasn't long before clothes started tightening and I was starting to show a little. I was loving every minute of it and looking forward to seeing our little one on an ultrasound:)  We heard a nice strong heartbeat- music to my ears. We were also entering the second trimester so all my worries should fade because the risk of miscarriage is greatly deminished!  Then came the ultrsound appointment we were so excited but that excitement quickly faded to more shock when nurse after nurse and doc after doc entered the ultrasound room. We were told that our baby did not have any bones and that we could terminate the pregnancy that day or have an amnio. So we did the amnio and were sent home to wait and wonder what had happened. I was beyond devastated and there was nothing anyone could do yet my family expected me to go on with life like it was just a bump in the road. We went to our priest for guidance, help and a blessing as well.  He counseled us and helped us figure a few things out etc... I guess at this time I should say my sister in law Fertile Myrtle was pregnant with their second baby both unplanned and we were due right around the same time.
So a week later I was riding in the car with my husband when we were in a car accident where our car was struck broadside (on my side of course!) and I ended back at the hospital to be checked out. I ended up with bumps, bruises and just plain sore; and the baby checked out fine however they wanted a follow up appointment just to make sure etc... So a week later we were back at the same ultrasound room as before when we got more devestating news, yes the amnio proved our baby didn't have any bones, it also told us that our baby was a son:)  But that ultrasound also showed some bleeding probably from the car accident and that, I was now at risk. I knew in my heart that their was no way our son would survive the birth, what with no bones to protect him and that fact that I am a carrier of Hemophilia (where your blood doesn't clot) yet I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare and it just be that a nightmare. But that wasn't to be, I had a D&C that afternoon and it was the WORST feeling and time in my life- I just shut down I couldn't handle it! We had our priest with us before the procedure so that was of some comfort and he reassured us of our decision. However I have regretted this decision since that day- I am constantly playing the what if??? What if the doctors were wrong? What if the Amnio test was wrong? What if by some miracle he could have survived? What if? What if? What if?
 Of course the doc was like now that you got pregnant you can get pregnant again once you are healthy and have your diabetes under control which was the last thing on my mind at the time. So we then turned our thoughts to burying our son and the service which was held the Wed. before Thanksgiving. We named our son William Joseph (William after my dad's dad which ironically had passed away the same date as our son; Joseph was after my mom's dad) and even though he is not with us physically he is always always in my thoughts and heart. 
So we went through the motions of the holidays not really wanting to celebrate anything. I was working but not really focused at all. I was surrounded by pregnant woman who I was suppose to "act" like everything was just so jolly! My sister in law was pregnant with what ended up being my niece; my unwed young cousin was pregnant; and at work I was surrounded by pregnant woman- in our very small office three were pregnant and due right around the same time as I was. Oh and my best friend who had just gotten married got pregnant on her honeymoon!!!!!!
So that February I went back to the OBGYN because I was still bleeding from the D&C; he helped me out with that issue and we started back on the path of trying to conceive again; and once again we were tyring Clomid and once again with no success. I was done with it I couldn't handle things anymore. People expected me to go to baby showers and be okay- I just couldn't, don't get me wrong deep down I was happy for them but I was still emotionally devasted. Then came the double WHAMMY! Our son's due date was upon us and my sister-in-law gave birth to my niece on my due date.  Now I know she could not have helped this and I was happy for her and my brother. I even went so far as to take my nephew shopping for his new baby sister; take him to the hospital with presents in tow to see his mommy, daddy and little sister. It was so so hard to be in that room that day knowing all eyes were on me and that I was suppose to put a HUGE smile on my face and make over the baby. Needless to say I broke down, had to leave the room etc...I need to say by now there was some strains on my relationship with my family especially my sister-in-law/ brother (I plan on discussing that in another post). I found out later that they were pissed that I wouldn't/ couldn't hold my niece!
So we just stopped things to try and figure out where we wanted to go. In May on 2005 I was toying with the idea of starting the adoption process but just wasn't sure. The end of May brought my 30th birthday I dreaded this soooooo much because I thought by now I would have kids etc.... The end of May also brought a call from the adoption agency. And that is where I am going to stop this post and will pick up my story in my next post.