Okay on with my story....

So we get a call from the adoption agency wanting to know if we would be interested in the agency showing our profile. They had a birth couple that had turned down all the other profiles and they thought about us. I was thrilled and excited- this could be it:) So of course we said yes; and the agency said please don't get your hopes up this couple is very picky. So we then played the waiting game for our profile to be shown and find out what that couple wanted to do. I got a call at work from one of the counselors at the agency- we had been choosen and it was a GIRL!!!!!! I was on cloud nine. This was early June and our baby yes OUR baby was due the beginning to middle of September. That summer was a a whirlwind of activities we had so much to do to get ready for the baby; then all the paperwork and classes for the adoption; our family vacation; a friends wedding etc... And then of course meeting the birthparents- we were a NERVOUS wreck!!!!! Then that summer we also met with the birthparents parents (the bp's were very young). I had a shower thrown by my mom the end of August- it wasn't your typical shower but I enjoyed it none the less. Then a week later on a Friday I get another call at work that our bm is in labor=) I of course wrapped up work in record speed- LOL! and the hubby and I waited and waited and waited ALL day for news from the counselor. Finally around 9/9:30 we get a call that our daughter has been born and she is healthy. We didn't sleep much that night and finally the next day around 11:00 we got the call that we could come to the hospital.Long story short that is how our daughter became our daughter. I don't know how In could have loved someone more, she was everything I had wanted and was beyond HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!!!
So Fast Forward to June of 2007 at the adoption agency's annual picnic. We had just moved into a new home the month before and we were thinking of starting the adoption process again that coming January for a sibling for our daughter. We talked with the agency at the picnic about the various options domestic/ international etc... and decided when the time came we would make our decision but we had several months to think about it or so we thought. Two weeks later we got a call from the agency they had a birthmother that was due any day and were we interested? UM, WHAT did you Say????!!!!! After a very brief discussion we thought this was fate and of course we were interested:)  So that night I stayed up till the wee hours putting together a profile of us to be shown and the next day we took it to the agency. They were showing the bm the profiles the next day(a Friday) and we should hear something the following week. Saturday we got a call from the counselor that we had been choosen!!!!!! So the whirlwind began. We had to move FAST with all the paperwork, updating homestudy and the adoption classes etc.... inorder to bring the baby home with us which by the way was a BOY! We also had a nursery to get together, and prepare our daughter who wasn't even two yet that a sibling was on the way. We met the bm and her mother; I kept in contact with the bm through text messages and even got to go to a couple of doc appointments- turns out she wasn't due until the middle of Aug. so that gave us a little more time THANK GOODNESS!!! We everything done so that we could bring our son home from the hospital. I was in the delivery room when our son was born and then three days later we brought him home. That is how our family came to be and that is what my other blog- my private blog is all about, my family and my two kiddos.
Okay now fast forward to October 2008- I had another surprise pregnancy that ended in miscarriage. However that got me to thinking I really want our family of 3 or 4 kids! Don't get me wrong for a second I LOVE my kiddos and I know that I am TRULY BLESSED to have them but there was something missing.I want to know what it is like to carry a healthy pregnancy to the end; I want to experience everything that it is to be pregnant. And deep down I have this feeling of being scared that when my kiddos get older they will seek out their birthparents (which I cannot blame them) but then where will that leave me??? So by April of 2009 I had gone to my regular doc for a physical and everything was good so we contacted the infertility specialist that we had seen before for a consultation. In May of 2009 we discussed our options- trying Clomid; Clomid with IUI; and then IVF.  Well lets just say IVF is/ was not an option because of the cost- after two adoptions we were drained financially. And I know many will ask how can you afford another child- we can just cannot afford the outrageous cost of another adoption or of IVF. So we thought we would start off with just clomid since I was much healthier than before etc.. So that summer we began the process of starting Clomid (had to get my diabetes in check and start the insulin shots again etc...)- I had my first round the end of July. And I was shocked we got pregnant on the very first round!!!!!! Woo-hoo!!! We weren't going to tell anyone because not many people knew we were trying again and we wanted it that way. My parents knew that we were trying because I needed my mom to watch the kiddos with all my doc appointments etc.... So they obviously knew we were pregnant. I was already having morning sickness- which I know it sounds crazy but I was LOVING it (because it was a good sign of a healthy pregnancy right?!); I was also having a little constipation but nothing a little Miralax couldn't handle- I know TMI!!! I went for my blood tests to check my levels and everything was going good:)  We scheduled an ultrasound for the next week (which I was a nervous wreck about because our previous ultrasounds didn't go well at all etc...) and I had one last blood test before that- nothing to worry about. That night I started having back pains and it really really concerned me but my mom and hubby reassurred me and I went on to bed not giving it a second thought thinking it was just me overreacting. The next afternoon I got a call from the infertility docs wanting to know if I was having any bleeding? I then had a pit in my stomach; the nurse told me that I will start bleeding; that my levels had dropped and I had lost the baby. Here I was at home by myself with my two kids devestated by this news. WHY? WHY? WHY? And of course we were going through it alone because we didn't want to tell anyone we were even trying. So once again I was expected to put on a happy face. And again I re-iterate I realize I am very blessed with my two beautiful kiddos so don't think of me as ingrateful!
So that weekend, the weekend we were suppose to spend at the lake with my family celebrating the summers end; instead I was home in pain, miscarrying our baby. Again the docs were optimistic, we would just try again in a couple of months. So we tried in Nov. with no luck at the development of follicals- something that I had never experienced before!!!!!! The doc wasn't too concerned since it hadn't been that long since I had miscarried and he said we would just try again next month and he upped my dosage to 150 mg of Clomid. WHEW talk about side effects, I really felt them in Dec. with the increase in Clomid. This time we had one maybe two mature follicals- I was obviously dissappointed I was expecting and hoping for more with the increase in clomid. But we still gave it the old college try with no luck. And the following month their was no mature follicals, WTF was wrong with my body?? The doc said this is common with Clomid that it works against your  body's natural cycle etc... and that we were now done with clomid but that we could try Superovulation meds with IUI. So I was like okay we can do that, until I brought all the literature home including the prices. I was floored by the cost of these crazy meds- it is outrageous what Pharmaceutical companies get away with these day! They should cut back on their "catering business" to the docs and cut the costs of these meds it is highway robbery!! My mom works at a docs office and they have EVERY lunch , many breakfasts and even afternoon snacks catered by drug reps!!!!
So that is where we are now in my story of infertility. We are trying to scrape together the money for the meds along with the cost of the visits and proceedures; because yes of course our lovely insurance does NOT cover anything. Gotta love insurance companies too! Ours covers the cost of finding out your are infertile but then they are like adios good luck now:)-   UGH!!!!!  So now we sit and wait to get the money as I grow older and so do my eggs (and I know some of you are thinking 34 is still young however with my heart condition it is not young to have kids so I feel the clock ticking VERY LOUD!). I feel our chances slipping away from us but then again what were my chances in the beginning? We are hoping for a decent tax return that could help our finances and give us at least one and hopefully two shots at the IUI with superovu. meds. I think the hardest part is trying to explain to our kids who want another baby why we cannot- it just breaks my heart. I want nothing more than to give my two beautiful children a sibling.
So that is where I am trying to make my way through this fertile world we live in with infertility.