Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Okay where to begin?!

Okay I am trying to figure out how to begin this blog. I have toyed with the idea of starting this blog for sometime and just decided to dive in and figure it out as I go. I have another private blog that I will talk a little bit more on later but I wanted this one to be just about our infertility and the struggles etc...
So my hubby and I met a little over 8 years ago on a blind date. We were married less than a year later- so if you do the math we have been married for more than 7 years:) We knew we wanted kids and our thoughts were 3 or 4- I have one sibling (a brother) and my husband is an only child. So not long after we were married I went to a high risk OBGYN to see if it was "safe" for me to get pregnant because I have a heart condition (since birth; had open heart surgery when I was 2; and pacemaker put in, in my mid 20's). The doc saw no reason why I could not have a baby and I would just require closer monitoring - no biggie. So we went off birth control January 2003 excited with the prospect of getting pregnant and hopefully soon:) Well months went by with no success but I was also having irregular periods. So late that summer I contacted the high risk OBGYN  and we talked about what was going on, deciding I needed to come in for some tests etc... The tests didn't really show much but the doc put me on meds to make me start my period and then he would start me on Clomid. This was a rather large practice that I was going to and I quickly found out they were very incompetent to say they least. Among some fo the incompetencies was leaving test results on answering machines (turns out wasn't my answering machine but my test results; giving me info on how to proceed when the nurse was reading from the wrong womans chart etc... When they started me on Clomid, one I was clueless this was all new to me and I didn't do my research but also the docs didn't have me using an ovulation test kit etc... so I was basically blind in this journey. So after all this going on for several months we decided to leave that practice and search for someone else- this would prove a little difficult because a couple of docs didn't want to deal with me because of my heart condition etc... Luckily we did find a nice small practice that was willing. So we went through more testing (this time included in the testing was my hubby lets just say he wasn't thrilled with this-LOL!) and found that I have a smaller than avg. right ovary that is difficult to find; and also had a blocked tube that was opened during the hystogram. So we were on the right path moving right along thinking that after more than a year this was our opportunity. We did several rounds of Clomid (that was all the doc was willing to try with me at the time) with no luck. So we decided to look into adoption. We found a local agency that my father recommended and we got started right away. At the same time we were starting the adoption process we were finishing up our last round of Clomid. Well our adoption process was moving along, we did the orientation, had our homestudy done and approved and our profile was being shown when I went to the doc for what I thought was a yeast infection and left the docs with a load of info- I was diabetic- talk about shock!!!!! So we were to see an endocrinologist RIGHT away because my sugars were so HIGH and out of control and we were of course told NOT to get pregnant- well we thought that will be easy that is something apparently we are pretty good at!!! A week later something was telling me to take a pregnancy test and lo and behold SHOCK and SCARED I was pregnant after all this time! So things started moving really really fast with docs appointments with endocrinologist; OBGYN; and diabetes management classes. We also made the call to the adoption agency that we wanted our profile to not be shown that we were not going on with an adoption because I was pregnant- they were very excited for us and understanding too!  Once we were over the shock we were THRILLED and could not wait to tell people and we did. We also found out that I wasn't just a little pregnant I was 2 months along and it wasn't long before clothes started tightening and I was starting to show a little. I was loving every minute of it and looking forward to seeing our little one on an ultrasound:)  We heard a nice strong heartbeat- music to my ears. We were also entering the second trimester so all my worries should fade because the risk of miscarriage is greatly deminished!  Then came the ultrsound appointment we were so excited but that excitement quickly faded to more shock when nurse after nurse and doc after doc entered the ultrasound room. We were told that our baby did not have any bones and that we could terminate the pregnancy that day or have an amnio. So we did the amnio and were sent home to wait and wonder what had happened. I was beyond devastated and there was nothing anyone could do yet my family expected me to go on with life like it was just a bump in the road. We went to our priest for guidance, help and a blessing as well.  He counseled us and helped us figure a few things out etc... I guess at this time I should say my sister in law Fertile Myrtle was pregnant with their second baby both unplanned and we were due right around the same time.
So a week later I was riding in the car with my husband when we were in a car accident where our car was struck broadside (on my side of course!) and I ended back at the hospital to be checked out. I ended up with bumps, bruises and just plain sore; and the baby checked out fine however they wanted a follow up appointment just to make sure etc... So a week later we were back at the same ultrasound room as before when we got more devestating news, yes the amnio proved our baby didn't have any bones, it also told us that our baby was a son:)  But that ultrasound also showed some bleeding probably from the car accident and that, I was now at risk. I knew in my heart that their was no way our son would survive the birth, what with no bones to protect him and that fact that I am a carrier of Hemophilia (where your blood doesn't clot) yet I just wanted to wake up from this nightmare and it just be that a nightmare. But that wasn't to be, I had a D&C that afternoon and it was the WORST feeling and time in my life- I just shut down I couldn't handle it! We had our priest with us before the procedure so that was of some comfort and he reassured us of our decision. However I have regretted this decision since that day- I am constantly playing the what if??? What if the doctors were wrong? What if the Amnio test was wrong? What if by some miracle he could have survived? What if? What if? What if?
 Of course the doc was like now that you got pregnant you can get pregnant again once you are healthy and have your diabetes under control which was the last thing on my mind at the time. So we then turned our thoughts to burying our son and the service which was held the Wed. before Thanksgiving. We named our son William Joseph (William after my dad's dad which ironically had passed away the same date as our son; Joseph was after my mom's dad) and even though he is not with us physically he is always always in my thoughts and heart. 
So we went through the motions of the holidays not really wanting to celebrate anything. I was working but not really focused at all. I was surrounded by pregnant woman who I was suppose to "act" like everything was just so jolly! My sister in law was pregnant with what ended up being my niece; my unwed young cousin was pregnant; and at work I was surrounded by pregnant woman- in our very small office three were pregnant and due right around the same time as I was. Oh and my best friend who had just gotten married got pregnant on her honeymoon!!!!!!
So that February I went back to the OBGYN because I was still bleeding from the D&C; he helped me out with that issue and we started back on the path of trying to conceive again; and once again we were tyring Clomid and once again with no success. I was done with it I couldn't handle things anymore. People expected me to go to baby showers and be okay- I just couldn't, don't get me wrong deep down I was happy for them but I was still emotionally devasted. Then came the double WHAMMY! Our son's due date was upon us and my sister-in-law gave birth to my niece on my due date.  Now I know she could not have helped this and I was happy for her and my brother. I even went so far as to take my nephew shopping for his new baby sister; take him to the hospital with presents in tow to see his mommy, daddy and little sister. It was so so hard to be in that room that day knowing all eyes were on me and that I was suppose to put a HUGE smile on my face and make over the baby. Needless to say I broke down, had to leave the room etc...I need to say by now there was some strains on my relationship with my family especially my sister-in-law/ brother (I plan on discussing that in another post). I found out later that they were pissed that I wouldn't/ couldn't hold my niece!
So we just stopped things to try and figure out where we wanted to go. In May on 2005 I was toying with the idea of starting the adoption process but just wasn't sure. The end of May brought my 30th birthday I dreaded this soooooo much because I thought by now I would have kids etc.... The end of May also brought a call from the adoption agency. And that is where I am going to stop this post and will pick up my story in my next post.

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