Friday, February 26, 2010


Not sure where to begin with this one so much has happened that it is hard to put into words. I will say before I get started I know I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I am also going to say that I am responsible for a lot that has taken place within my family and I am trying to work/ mend fences etc... but I also believe that my family just doesn't get how hard it really is to not be able to get pregnant and then when I finally miracle of miracles do I ended up losing him (as well as two other babies).
Now all that I am about to tell you took place before we adopted our children:
My whole relationship with my brother and his family has completely changed and it sucks (although we have worked through some stuff and others we are just not going to see eye to eye!). My brother and I had always been what I would call close, we were only 4 years apart. As we grew older our relationship started to change where he could come for support/ advice etc... he even told me before anyone else that his then girlfriend (of just a couple months) and now wife (they had a vegas wedding 5 months after the baby was born) was pregnant. I helped him break the news to my parents etc.. So you see we were fairly close. Well that relationship obviously changed with a baby and wife in the picture. I have never really felt accepted by my sister-in-law but things were manageable. I did have a very hard time when I found out that they were expecting their second unplanned child but dealt with that in private with my husband; but I did congratulate them when they told us the news and even send cards to my nephew and my sister in law/ brother congratulating them. It wasn't long after I had congratulated them that we too found out we were pregnant with William.  Well I thought it might be a bonding experience with my sister in law etc... but I was wrong. I didn't get the same excitement that I had displayed with the news of their baby when we told them about ours. But anyhoo maybe they were just having a bad day etc... Well things went from not so good to horrible when we found out about our son and then the ultimate loss of him. I admit I grew dispondant didn't know how to handle things etc.. but I did the best that I could/ knew how to do. I had a very hard time dealing with pregnant woman from then on (I had a hard time with it before when dealing with our infertility); seeing their cute bellies, hearing them complain about how difficult it is to be pregnant etc... So needless to say my relationship with my brother and his wife was strained. I didn't go to her baby shower which of course I was the HORRIBLE sister in law for not coming! I did send a gift even though I grew up with the idea you only have one shower and it isn't my fault my sister in law was an idiot and sold all her baby stuff knowing they wanted more kids! Then came the day that my sister in law went into labor- yes on MY due date (and I know that she cannot help when she goes into labor) talk about undescribable pain. And yet I was expected to be at the hospital all happy and jolly etc... So I put on my best smile, took my nephew out shopping for his new baby sister and then proceeded to the hospital, nephew and presents in tow. I tried I really did try but it was so hard, I ended up having to leave the room. My sister in law felt that I was being rude, I couldn't even be happy for them and she was pissed because I wouldn't hold my niece. So that in a nut shell is where our relationship went south; then add in the fact that her own sister is going through infertility issues and is now pregnant (which I truly am happy for them but it doesn't make the pain any less for me or easier for me). My sister in law knows how to get under my skin and she throws her own sisters pregnancy in my face. Her sister was pregnant last Spring and supposidly at my nephews birthday I was really RUDE to her sister- the funny thing is I don't recall being rude at all and neither does my husband. Actually at bday parties ofter you will find my husband and I watching our kids especially our son like a hawk for several reasons- one he is a daredevil and two he has MAJOR food allergies. So most of our time is spent doing that and we don't get to really talk much with others at the party. Yet my sister in law and brother told my parents (and got my mom all worked up and upset) that they felt there was something seriously wrong with me and that I need to be committed etc....Unfortunately a couple of weeks later her sister lost the baby. When I found out the news I really felt for them, because I had been there and I know the pain. And once again my sister found a way to throw it back in my face. She posted on facebk about how horrible it was and just doesn't understand, and doesn't know how to deal- HUH? Don't I know those feeling?! Then of course when she talked with my mom she was telling her how well her sister was handling everything and she was just doing so well even better than my sister in law etc.... The ironic thing was that the day of her due date her sister (my sister in law) was taking her out to lunch, shopping, massages etc... to help her deal with the day and try and keep her mind off things. Yet on my due date I was expected to be all happy happy and going to the hospital to see my new niece and holding her making over her and hearing all about my sister in laws labor etc.... Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture????
So at the same time that my sister in law is pregnant my unwed irresponsible cousin is pregnant. Yes again I have problems dealing with her being pregnant, here we are wanting a baby sooooo bad and she up and gets pregnant at the drop of the hat. And no I didn't go to her baby shower either but I did send a gift with a note explaining why I couldn't be there. And once again my sister in law and others jump on the bandwagon about how I am such a horrible person for not being happy for her etc.... Don't people get it, I am happy for them but living a miserable horrible undescribable pain.
So after a couple of years things have gotten better with my family- I am really really trying to mend the fences. As far as my sister-in-law I don't think those issues will ever be resolved I think she has her opinion and I have mine but for now we tolerate one another as best as we can.
Of course now that we are once again going through infertility issues/ treatment all those emotions come back- WHY? can't we get pregnant; WHY? do all I have is dead babies; WHY? WHY? WHY??? And we are going through this in private because we don't want family knowing and judging. We don't want them saying can't you just be happy with the two children you adopted? YES I am VERY HAPPY and LOVE my children emensly and I know that if I were to change anything that has happened in the past I wouldn't have these two precious beings in my life. I am very grateful for everything that I have; but that doesn't change the feelings of incompletness. I want so badly to know what it is like to carry a child, and birth a live baby. I am not ready to get rid of the baby stuff I want another baby so badly. I would be happy to adopt another child however we just cannot afford the high cost of adoptions.
So that is where I am not trying to find my way in all this mess of infertility and the emotions/ heartbreak etc...

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I just got to read this today. I have some very similar stories. I'll email you soon.