Friday, November 5, 2010

Still NEED Validation

I struggle day to day with being pregnant, because I am so afraid of losing the baby. Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE being pregnant it is just I feel like at any moment it could all end.  Some days I am really positive and thinking about the future and excited to tell EVERYONE and wanting to tell everyone NOW! Then other days I am in fear that something is going to happen and I am have a hard time looking to the future or if I do I am afraid I am jinxing myself. I cannot even bring myself to bring out the book what to expect etc...because my last pregnancy the day that I did get the book out is the day that my last beta came back saying I was miscarrying. Infertility sucks and it affects you even when you are pregnant. I keep counting the days/ weeks left in the first trimester (which is sad to say I am not 100% positive how many weeks are in the first trimester because I am afraid of looking that info us and jinxing myself-I know go ahead and laugh!) thinking if I could just make it out of the first trimester. I so want to tell our family at Thanksgiving ( I will be almost 10weeks) however I think we are going to wait till Christmas. Right now I am just trying to get to our next ultrasound appointment next Thursday, hoping and praying that we see a beautiful heartbeat and a growing baby! My urinalysis came back normal but she did say I needed to increase my water intake. I am still having lower back pain (but THANKFULLY no more bleeding) and I know she said that it's nothing to worry about but I cannot help but worry! I did notice that if I drink more water it seems to help so maybe its a kidney thing.
I went to my endocrinologist on Tuesday and all is well. They went over all that I have to have done (eye check-up every trimester; see the endocrinologist once a month with blood work along with faxing my blood sugar readings once a week; see a dietitian; and go ahead and set up my first appointment with my high risk obgyn) along with the risks of diabetes and pregnancy. I get nervous doing all this stuff, especially setting up appointments, because what if something happens and then I have to call and cancel everything. I did go for my eye check-up yesterday and all is well; I see the dietitian today. I am waiting to talk to my fertility specialist next Thurs. before setting up my appointment with my high risk obgyn; just like I have waited to tell my cardiologist as well. It is not that I don't want to do these things or that  I don't want to tell everyone I am just afraid and that just SUCKS!
I really hope after the first trimester I can relax and enjoy everything. It doesn't help that my symptoms come and go- I am constantly checking out my "girls" to see if they are bigger or sensitive; I worry if my blood sugar readings are normal  because what does that mean?; if I eat and don't get nauseous why? UGH I could go on and on, I guess I just needed to vent. Hubby doesn't fully get it he says I need to be positive and he is right but it is so DARN HARD. I am looking forward to the day I can relax and enjoy my pregnancy with a belly and all!
I was actually having a pretty positive morning till my mom called to tell me that my sister-in-law's cousin lossed her baby (she was about 8weeks- 1 week ahead of me). I know what she is going through and it sucks I feel so bad for them. Please keep them in your prayers. So now I am back to worry wart mode:(
UGH!!!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

6 comments:

  1. It does get better after 12 weeks!! And DRINK YOUR WATER!! If you don't it will cause cramping and if you get dehydrated it can cause low amniotic fluid and even premature labor. Scary, I know! But easily avoided. I had the hardest time drinking my water and after a trip to L&D for it I forced myself to drink it.

    Praying for you these next few weeks as you near your 2nd trimester!!!

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  2. I want you to meditate on these verses each day until your next ultrasound: Philippians 4:6-8 (New Living Translation)

    6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

    8 And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.

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  3. Praying for you to have peace!

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  4. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!! I am now carrying around water where ever I go, and trying to make sure that I am drinking lots of water. My back pains were back again today, I just wish I knew what was causing it. The appointment with the dietician went well and now I know exactly what I am suppose to be eating:)

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  5. I'm with Britney. You are in a battle, and you need more than what you have in yourself to overcome all that's coming against you. The Bible is an incredible book. It can literally change your thinking. Say or read those verses whenever fear rises up in you. It will make a difference.

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  6. I STILL have a hard time believing it and my baby is almost 5 months old. The entire thing was so SURREAL to me!

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