Monday, October 11, 2010

First Breakdown

Well last night I had my first breakdown in a really long time, don't know exactly what it is probably the meds but everything just seems so overwhelming right now. I broke down when it came time to give my PIO shot. My rear-end is soooo sore right now and the range in which I can reach is limited so I am trying to avoid the same areas but eventually I am going to run out of space. I was just having a very bad day yesterday and today I woke up in a bad mood too. Saturday was great, I was confident that the transfer went well, and hey I might actually be pregnant (don't get me wrong still had my fears and worries). Saturday I was feeling exhausted and somewhat nauseous- thinking hey this is a good sign (or my mind playing tricks on me!). Saturday afternoon I slept all afternoon from after lunch till about 5pm when hubby woke me up to decide what to do about dinner. I even went to bed fairly early for us on Saturday night and got to sleep till 9am! But then Sunday came along and I was just in a horrible mood, thinking the worst that the transfer didn't work, I wasn't as tired, didn't feel nauseous etc....just knew that I wasn't pregnant but wanting it sooo badly. The kids had a bday party yesterday afternoon that I really didn't feel like going to but wasn't going to have them miss out on. I ended up only taking my daughter (long story but son didn't take an afternoon nap and daddy said no party) to the party and I was not in the party kind of mood. I get there I can't seem to avoid over hearing the woman's conversations (small party room) discussing a third child and "oh yes just go for it you will love having three etc... "coming from the fertile myrtle who is pregnant with her 4th child her oldest is 5! UGH!!!!! So frustrating just wish it was so easy to one day wake up and go oh yes I think I want another child and a wave of the wand and you are magically pregnant.
I am so sorry for this negative post but I need someone/ something to vent to because my mom just doesn't get it and neither (for some reason) does hubby and since we aren't telling anyone else I have no one to vent to. I HATE this waiting!!!!! I just want to know but then I don't want to know. I want to know so that I have just a little peace of mind (of course then it will turn to what are my beta #'s, will they double, will the ultrasound show a heartbeat etc... it's never ending I know). I guess my biggest fear right now is if I am truly in fact (praying to God that I am) pregnant I am scared of miscarrying on our vacation. In two weeks we are going to be in Disney for the week, the kiddos are so excited and I don't want anything to ruin their joy.
Right now I am so many thoughts running through my mind and so many emotions. I am worried about not feeling anything and yet worried that every little pain or twinge is something wrong. On top of all this my blood sugars are all out of wack so I am trying to really watch my carbs while they are also adjusting my insulin. It is so hard because I am a CHOCOHOLIC!!!! I love my sweets but right now they are out of the question. I know that in the end it will all be worth it (or at least that is what I am trying to convince myself that their will be a happy ending at the end of all this), but next Monday cannot come soon enough.


  1. So sorry your feeling overwhelmed and down at the moment. You don't know that this did not work yet and your crazy emotions could mean that it did work. You just have to wait a tiny bit more. try to get some extra rest and take good care of yourself. I'll send you some happy thoughts.

  2. I can completely relate. This child (or children) is not yours. It never was, and it never will be. It is God's. He alone is in control of it all. You can take none of the responsibility if this fails, and none of the glory if this works. If it is heartache, it cannot happen without passing through His hands first. I am a firm believer that this will work or not regardless of what you do or don't do. Just keep in steady prayer, and remember Philip. 4:6.

  3. Oh, I was thinking about you this morning and how I wanted to send you a message to tell you that I feel so much like you. I don't have any babies, but wouldn't it just be nice to 'baby dance' and have them, no shots, no hormones, no doctors involved. And like you, as well, my husband can't go with me to everything, and while I'm used to it and usually totally fine, it is frustrating that he hasn't been to one appointment yet. He'll likely only be there for the retrieval (maybe transfer, but we don't know). We do so much and I've done all of my own injections and the menopur is making big whelps and I'm actually scared of the PIO!! And last night I just wanted to cry, not for any reason, (aside from pure exhaustion, as the steroids are keeping me awake, even after getting up at 6 am and running a half marathon), and ugh! So, all of that said, I just wanted to send you some support, to know that I understand how you feel, I wish we could just hug one another and make it all better. I'm praying for a BFP coming up for you and then followed by me and everyone else who is in this process right now!!!

  4. The waiting is the worst!! Praying it goes by quickly for you!