UGH!!! Where to begin, let me start off by saying my in-laws are "different" and we got along fine until my hubby and I started the adoption process. When we told them what are plans were the first thing out of his mother's mouth was "your not going to adopt a black baby are you?!" Well um no we decided not to for this very reason because we knew that my husband's family would not be accepting. Fast forward to our match, we were OVER THE MOON excited to be adopting a baby girl:) Our precious baby girl is part Korean and she is GORGEOUS (of course I am biased;). Well from the moment my in laws found out that our child was going to be part Korean they kept asking how dark the birth mother was, what she looked like etc... When introducing us/ my kids they are referred to as their adoptive granddaughter/ grandson- which just infuriates me and gets under my skin like no other, they are your grandchildren. period end of sentence! The day we brought our daughter home and my in-laws came to see her they told us that they are praying that we will get pregnant with a son- um why?! Once again this made me furious! Anyhoo fast forward a couple of years and our son who is also adopted and part Korean (hand of God in our adoptions!) ; before he is born the questions begin to how Asian he was going to look was brought up yet again! My hubby is an only child so you would think that his parents would be thrilled to have grandchildren but all they can see is "how Asian" they are, and I could go on and on with the comments and slights to my kids (THANK GOODNESS for the blessing of my parents, my parents adore my kiddos and my kiddos adore them!).
So with all this having been said I was concerned about how they would take my pregnancy- we have not told anyone (other than my parents and of course doctors) that we did embryo adoption, this was a choice my husband made and I am perfectly fine with because of the type of EA we did there are no papers for our child to be able to go back and find info on the loving people who donated their embryos. So needless to say my in-laws were shocked (they had no idea we were trying) to find out we were pregnant and "excited". But here is the thing I am so afraid of how my two children will be treated by my in-laws once their sibling comes along. My husband told me last night what his parents said to him on Christmas (I wasn't there because it was an hour drive there and back and I wasn't feeling well at all so the kiddos and I stayed home for naps. We did have his parents up the next day for Christmas with them- this is typically the longest we see them all year, they stay for about 2- 2.5 hours; typically it is 1- 1.5 hours once a month. We exchanged gifts (gotta love this and I know it is the thought that counts etc.. but what thought was really put into my gift?! I got a St.ar.Bucks gift,card um can't have that and lots and I mean lots of Go.D.iva Choc. um yep I am diabetic and pregnant can't have ANY sweets and this is not news to them)and then went out to lunch- where my MIL pissed me off with yet another comment, she saw an Asian little boy running around, he looked to be a little younger than our son. She said "huh, must be in there blood" well I tried biting my tongue but that didn't last long and I just looked at her and said "NO it is called being a BOY!" ) Anyhoo back to Christmas day and what my in-laws said to my hubby: "they told him that they were really praying for a boy for us to carry on the family name, you know with their blood and all". UM HELLO what about our son?! He will carry on your name whether you like it or not! So needless to say I was furious and that is all I could think about last night when I was suppose to be sleeping. My in-laws should be praying for a healthy baby and healthy momma !
Okay I just needed to vent, every time I think about this I am furious; thanks for letting me vent!!! I need it.
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wowza. i'm sorry for all of that. i don't have any good advice to say, except to relay what i've heard dr. laura say in situations like this (warning -- i do not always agree with things dr. laura says -- but sometimes i do). At some point, you need to make a decision who is more important -- the well-being of your children (because they will pick up on this negativity, if they haven't already), or your in-laws. The obvious choice is your kids and if your in-laws are a negative influence on them, then it is time to have a serious come to Jesus talk with them, and if they do not change their ways, start distancing.
ReplyDeleteThat is so awful. I know your in-law's comments and attitude are most hurtful! I"m so sorry that you are having to deal with this racial prejudice. :(
ReplyDeleteWOW! I don't know what to say!! I am just shocked at their behavior and attitude. Praying for you and your family as you deal with your inlaws.
ReplyDeleteWow, that would be so hard to handle! My husband and I have also had to talk about the racial thing because we both have family members who would have a hard time accepting a "non-white" baby. How frustrating that they can't come to terms with them being their family and loving them like your "own" child. Sorry you have to deal with this. I guess all you can really do is to pray that they would have a change of heart.
ReplyDeleteOmg that is so f-ing ridiculous. Unfortunately I'd be afraid my parents would be like that. My mom is very prejudice. Praying for a healthy baby no matter what.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU ALL for all your support!!! I am trying to ignore the comments that are said as long as they are not in ear shot of my kids that is where I draw the line and can no longer bite my tongue; or that are said directly to me. The hard part is, is that hubby in a way condon's their behavior saying he see's where they are coming from saying it is because they are old school. HELLO my parents are not that much younger than his and don't act that way. That is just an excuse for their behavior to continue. I guess I need to be thankful that we only see them about once a month.
ReplyDeleteWow. That sounds really hard to deal with. I am sorry. Hopefully they are the only people in your family that act that way.
ReplyDeleteWow!! How inappropriate of your in-laws. In all honestly, If it were me, I'd sit down with them myself and tell them how much they're hurting me and the kids. They might not think that their words are harmful, but there's no room for favoratism or racism in a family. I know that's harsh, but in a way, they are being racist. I'm so sorry they can't accept your children for the gems that they are!!!
ReplyDeleteI am sooo sorry you have to deal with that! In laws are so hard and worse when they are polar opposite of your own parents! Ugh, I could say so much more, but it wouldn't be nice, just know I'm as disgusted as you are!
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