Graduation Day!

Today I had my last appointment with my fertility specialist. I was a nervous wreck yesterday, really worried, and no matter what I read or tried to think positive it just wasn't working. I think the reason I was so nervous etc... was because my hubby wasn't sure he was going to be able to make it to the appointment- it is peak season for him at work. However this morning I felt better and seemed more positive especially when I found out that hubby was going to be at my appointment:)
I got to the appointment a little early (the weather wasn't great- cold and very rainy so I wanted to allow enough time) barely signed in and they called me back- WOW! I guess they were ready to start their Thanksgiving holiday. Thankfully hubby got there early and was able to be at my appointment. We got to see our little one on the ultrasound again today- I LOVE seeing our little one:) Today our little one was moving around, waving at us, kicking it's legs, and the beautiful heartbeat was beating away it was so great to see. Hubby took video on his cell phone but can't seem to get it to email etc... so as soon as we figure that out I will post.
So today is graduation day, my last appointment with my fertility specialist, seems so strange, in two weeks I will see my high risk obgyn for the first time. Anxious for that appointment to get here.
So at the doctors today they kept saying we would have some neat video to share at Thanksgiving, and lots to talk about etc... Well we had planned on telling everyone at Christmas when I will be 14 weeks, but now it has us thinking, should we announce our news tomorrow at Thanksgiving? (I am almost 10wks)  Our biggest concern is our kiddos, if something were to happen, having to explain to them etc...and that is really the big reason why we haven't told anyone. I don't feel comfortable telling everyone before telling the kiddos. I really want the kiddos in on us announcing it, so they feel apart of it from the beginning etc.. I am torn with what to do, I know there is really no right or wrong but I am conflicted. Anyone have any thoughts?
Hope everyone has a very HAPPY THANKSGIVING! and safe travels for those who are traveling.

6 years ago

Six years ago today our precious little boy got his angel wings. William Joseph we miss you every day and love you!!!!

Moving Right Along

This afternoon I had my second ultrasound. I was starting to get nervous before the appointment so I went to the devotional I have been reading, and read over some Bible passages as well as said the prayer to St.Gerard (patron Saint of expectant mothers etc...- I have been saying the prayer nightly), it seemed to help I am not saying I wasn't nervous but it helped. I am trying to be positive and joyous. My blood pressure wasn't sky high which is a good thing being as they took it before the ultrasound-LOL! weight was good etc... So it was on to the ultrasound, and our little gummy bear is doing great!!!!! The doctor commented that it looked like a gummy bear:) and she said all looked great, that I was right on target for 7weeks 6 days. The heartbeat was good and strong 170.  I am to go back to them in two weeks for my final check and ultrasound with this group, and she said at that ultrasound we will see arms, legs and more movement etc...I know longer need to take estrogen (would have been nice to know before hand, just order an refill and it came today- oh well!) Then we got to ask some questions, she recommended a high risk group that was in the same building so that worked out well for us and we went ahead and set up our appointment with them for four weeks from today. Both my hubby and myself got our flu shot- oh whats another shot when you are already taking 6 a day:) It was an eventful day, and exciting. Once we are having the ultrasound and know that all is well, I could sit there all day and look at our little on.
Now the question is when to let the cat out of the bag? My parents know, my blog friends know, my hairstylist knows (because I have a hair appointment next Tuesday for color and I wanted to make sure that it is safe etc...as soon as I asked she asked if I was preggers-LOL!- what are your all's opinion on hair color etc... I only get highlights so it doesn't touch the skin etc...?) but the rest of the world doesn't. Part of me still wants to wait till the first trimester is over like we had planned (which would put it right before Christmas where we could either put it in our Christmas cards or make the announcement at Christmas) but it is getting harder and harder I am so ready to let the cat out of the bag.
THANK YOU THANK YOU for every one's prayers, good thoughts, well wishes and encouragement for today's appointment, it was/ is much appreciated!!!!! I know we are not "out of the woods yet" but today I am feeling joyous and excited:)

Tomorrow

Well tomorrow is our second ultrasound, I am excited to see our little one but of course nervous. I am praying that all is well with our little one, and he/ she is growing  like he/she should. I am really trying to stay positive but I keep having these negative thoughts:(  My hubby came across two books and a prayer card from 6 years ago when I was pregnant with our son William, I have been reading the devotionals and praying the prayer each night before bed, and that seems to calm me. I am really nervous about getting through this month, because November holds lots of bad memories for me. This Friday marks the 6th anniversary of our son William's passing (it is also the day that one of my grandfather's passed away, we used his first name for our son not realizing in our grief that it was the same day that my grandfather had passed away).
I am still having back pain, I just wish I knew what was causing it, I think if I knew that I might be able to "relax" a little bit but I am a worrier (come by it naturally!!!). I am still not having much in the way of pregnancy symptoms, which of course causes me worry- see I told you I am a worrier. I did have a weird dream, in the dream I was pregnant, and we were in a popular bar area of town (something we never do!) and my hubby and I were seperated- I had gone looking for a restroom when I saw a tub of ice cold beers and decided to have one. I was enjoying the beer, about half way through it or so when I remembered I was pregnant and I started to panick and didn't want my hubby to find out, trying to figure out how to cover up the beer breath etc... Okay this is just bizarre because I am not much of a drinker, couldn't tell you the last time I had something alcoholic and when I do it is usually a foo foo drink, or a glass of wine, never a beer! I just have to laugh at this dream, and look forward to telling hubby about it at lunch time to get his take on it. Anyhoo I hope to be updating tomorrow afternoon with some great news!!!! Please keep me in your prayers:)

Still NEED Validation

I struggle day to day with being pregnant, because I am so afraid of losing the baby. Don't get me wrong I LOVE LOVE being pregnant it is just I feel like at any moment it could all end.  Some days I am really positive and thinking about the future and excited to tell EVERYONE and wanting to tell everyone NOW! Then other days I am in fear that something is going to happen and I am have a hard time looking to the future or if I do I am afraid I am jinxing myself. I cannot even bring myself to bring out the book what to expect etc...because my last pregnancy the day that I did get the book out is the day that my last beta came back saying I was miscarrying. Infertility sucks and it affects you even when you are pregnant. I keep counting the days/ weeks left in the first trimester (which is sad to say I am not 100% positive how many weeks are in the first trimester because I am afraid of looking that info us and jinxing myself-I know go ahead and laugh!) thinking if I could just make it out of the first trimester. I so want to tell our family at Thanksgiving ( I will be almost 10weeks) however I think we are going to wait till Christmas. Right now I am just trying to get to our next ultrasound appointment next Thursday, hoping and praying that we see a beautiful heartbeat and a growing baby! My urinalysis came back normal but she did say I needed to increase my water intake. I am still having lower back pain (but THANKFULLY no more bleeding) and I know she said that it's nothing to worry about but I cannot help but worry! I did notice that if I drink more water it seems to help so maybe its a kidney thing.
I went to my endocrinologist on Tuesday and all is well. They went over all that I have to have done (eye check-up every trimester; see the endocrinologist once a month with blood work along with faxing my blood sugar readings once a week; see a dietitian; and go ahead and set up my first appointment with my high risk obgyn) along with the risks of diabetes and pregnancy. I get nervous doing all this stuff, especially setting up appointments, because what if something happens and then I have to call and cancel everything. I did go for my eye check-up yesterday and all is well; I see the dietitian today. I am waiting to talk to my fertility specialist next Thurs. before setting up my appointment with my high risk obgyn; just like I have waited to tell my cardiologist as well. It is not that I don't want to do these things or that  I don't want to tell everyone I am just afraid and that just SUCKS!
I really hope after the first trimester I can relax and enjoy everything. It doesn't help that my symptoms come and go- I am constantly checking out my "girls" to see if they are bigger or sensitive; I worry if my blood sugar readings are normal  because what does that mean?; if I eat and don't get nauseous why? UGH I could go on and on, I guess I just needed to vent. Hubby doesn't fully get it he says I need to be positive and he is right but it is so DARN HARD. I am looking forward to the day I can relax and enjoy my pregnancy with a belly and all!
I was actually having a pretty positive morning till my mom called to tell me that my sister-in-law's cousin lossed her baby (she was about 8weeks- 1 week ahead of me). I know what she is going through and it sucks I feel so bad for them. Please keep them in your prayers. So now I am back to worry wart mode:(
UGH!!!
Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Ok well just a little panic attack

So my husband called the doctors office and was able to get me in this afternoon, thankfully my mom was able to watch the kiddos so that my hubby could go with me. THANK God it turns out I was having a major panic attack and over reacting. I had an ultrasound done and there is one baby (so one of our snow babies is an angel now, which is disappointing/ sad but I am thrilled that their is one baby) with a beautiful heartbeat. I am 6 weeks 3 days and my due date is June 24, 2011- which is my parents wedding anniversary:) They said the spotting is normal and the back pain may be due to a urinary/ bladder infection- they are testing me for that. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all your kind thoughts and prayers!!!!! PLEASE keep them coming, I am trying to be positive of course it helps looking at that beautiful ultrasound picture- this is the first ultrasound picture of our baby and one that didn't involve heartbreak.

I'm back and I am scared and sad

Well we had a good vacation, lots of walking, it was hot (above normal temps the week we were there- of course!) and I noticed that I wasn't experiencing a lot of the symptoms that I had been which had me a little worried. Yesterday I woke up with low back pain which again freaked me out, but my husband said it's probably due to riding in the car so much the day before however there was something in the back of my mind saying things aren't right. Then last night I had a breakdown, my husband got mad at me because he says I always think the worst etc... I went to bed crying.
Then this morning I woke up felt okay went to my daughter's conferences and started feeling not so good, afterwards I went to the restroom and I was spotting. Now I am having low back pain/ cramps and I think my intuition was right that things aren't good and that I am miscarrying. I called the docs office twice and finally got a hold of someone and all they could say is that their is no intervention and that I can come in for a scan tomorrow- my 6week ultrasound is scheduled for Thursday afternoon. I just want an answer, but I think I already know the answer that I am losing my babies. I feel so alone, I HATE this!!!!! I am so mad, angry, scared, sad and an emotional wreck. I have done everything I was suppose to, I have watched my sugars like a hawk, I stayed away from ALL the yummy desserts on vacation, no halloween candy, no caffine, taken my medicine like I am suppose to, didn't ride any rides that they said pregnant woman shouldn't ride etc...WHY? WHY? WHY?