Tax Return

So we got our tax return a couple of weeks ago, and we do have enough money to do one round of IUI. My questions are: is it worth it to just do one round? Are we wasting our money? Should we instead just put the money to go use for the two beautiful blessings we already have (even though I know they would LOVE LOVE LOVE another sibling, they both talk about it all the time!)? Then their is always putting the money towards another adoption- obviously not with the agency we have used in the past because of the cost. UGH!!!! Where is the crystal ball when you really really need one! I know we need to make a decision soon, and just have faith in our decision and in God's plan but as you probably know that is sooooo much easier said than done!
On another note, my A1C is awesome:) The metformin is apparently working to some degree because I had a period although it was like 40 days between my last one and this latest one, and I don't know if I ovulated at all. So I really don't know if it was a success or not, but I am continuing on the medication in hopes that it will help.
Sorry it has been a while since I have posted, not much going on in our life in the way of expanding our family:(

No miracle here!

Well so much for a miracle on my last dose of clomid. I actually ovulated on the clomid however I did not get pregnant:(  I started this morning- what a great way to start a Monday morning UGH! So to "help" me feel better I splurged at went to Starbu.ks and got there new dark cherry mocha- yummo!!!!! HIGHLY recommend. It helped some but I still feel horrible. So I am not sure what is going to happen. Our taxes should be done in the next day or two and then hubby and I will have to sit down and figure out how best to use our tax return. I am hoping it is a decent enough return to do something in the way of expanding our family or at least trying. If there is enough money and we decide to use it to expand our family what should we do? Put it towards an adoption with Reeces Rainbow (which is a definate in the way of expanding our family) or a couple of rounds of IUI knowing that if that does not work we are finished. WHERE is my crystal ball when I need it??????

Just waiting

Just wondering and waiting, trying not to get our hopes up but praying that this is our opportunity. I went ahead and started the lovely suppositories that I had a ton of samples of to thicken my lining and giving us every chance that we can. I am really trying not to think about it, stress about it or get my hopes up but I have to admit it is very hard to do! I just keep thinking that if it does actually work and I do get pregnant this round I won't have to stress over all the money etc... But I also know that if I am I have a very LONG road ahead of me before I even get to hold my baby. I am just trying to do everything right (aside from not listening to the doctor-LOL!) and praying! So please keep me in your thoughts and prayers:)

Hope???

Could it be true that we might actually have some more hope of trying to conceive a child????? I went to my endocrinologist last week for a routine check-up for my diabetes and she of course asked about our attempts to get pregnant. She was quite impressed with my weight loss and with my lab results=)  She said since I am healthier than when I came to her (lost some weight better A1C etc...) she would like to lower some of my insulin levels and try me on glucophage in hopes that it will help my body have a normal cycle and an actual menstral cycle without the clomid or superovulatory meds. She also said that this medication can help with miscarriage. So as of last week I started the glucophage and will increase my dose over the next three weeks and hopefully -fingers, toes crossed, prayer said etc.... it will work!!!!! She said she hates the thought of us having to go to the expensive treatments and wants to help us out as much as she can. So who knows maybe this is the answer we have been looking for- I am trying not to get my hopes us because who knows with this crazy body of mine!
My other sign of hope happened this weekend. I did something I probably should not have but I wasn't ready to just throw in the towel:) When I started my period 18 days ago I was not suppose to start any other fertility meds etc... unless we were willing to fork over the dough for the superovulation meds and IUI- which we don't have the $$$ right now so that is a no. The reason why they wanted me to stop clomid was two fold- they had increased my dosage to 150mg a day for 5 days and I still wasn't producing any or any decent size follicals- I had been on that dosage for two cycles with no luck and my lining was thin- thanks to clomid. I also the last couple of cycles didn't actually ovulate. The other reason is because I had a ovarian cysts- pretty good size which is common when you are clomid. But I had one refill left and I thought what the heck lets see what we can do. Well lo and behold I got a positive on my ovulation test Sunday!!!!! So who knows if their are any decent follicals (since the doc doesn't know that I am taking the clomid there for I am not going in for ultrasound checks etc...)but we are going to give it the old college try. Once again I am trying not to get my hopes up but I am excited by the prospect- maybe my body will actually work right for once!

Making some changes- cutting back

So after sitting down and paying the bills with my hubby- something he typically does himself I was depressed to say the least. We needed to take some action because we are drowning ourselves with all our expenses etc... So I sat down and made a list of things that we could cut back on or get rid of all together. I got rid of my daily newspaper that I had delievered- I can read the paper online and get Sundays coupons from my parents. Got rid of our landline phone and went only to cell phones- we will see how it goes! Then I said get rid of our satelite and go to regular television- my husband not so thrilled about that one or the next suggestion either- only going out to eat for one meal a week with exception of his Thurs. lunch which is work related. So far on the going out to eat we did well this weekend:) As far as the satelite we found a deal or rather a deal found us that we could switch to cable and save money (obviously not as much as if we got rid of it all together however we were in a contract with our satelite co. and the cable co. bought out our remaining contract!) and still have a ton of channels and our beloved- LOL! DVR:)  I have cut back on going to the salon, I am typically every 5-6 weeks for haircut and eyebrow wax however I have not been since right before Christmas- and yes my eyebrows are starting to show it- YIKES! So I feel like I am making and effort to help out since I don't work outside the home- I even called about personal opinion/ product testing however you have to come in and answer questions by yourself and that won't work with the kids etc... however the lady did take my name and number so maybe she will call and we can work some things out to where I can make a little cash!
I am thinking about starting an organic garden and growing our own veggies for the summer- trying to save money plus I think it would be neat for the kids to grow something and who knows my daughter might starting eating a vegetable- LOL! Not sure where to start or even when to start on this little venture so if anyone out there grows an organic garden please share some ideas/ tips:)
The next be thing to tackle will be our tax return. As much as I want to put that money towards infertility treatments I also know that we could get our credit cards payed off:) It breaks my heart to think that we might be done! I just don't know what to do?! It is sooooo hard to decide and I know that if we do put that money towards the treatments and they fail then I will be devastated, depressed and MAD at myself for "wasting" that money.
So that is where we are, would love more suggestions on cost cutting and what would you do with the tax return?

Moving On

I have been thinking about moving on a lot lately and trying to make a very tough decision. I am torn about doing superovulation with IUI. Part of me says YES YES YES we need to try everything that we can, to try and make my dream come true. I also know this is my last chance to do something like this inorder to try and have a baby given my age and healthy history etc... BUT the cost is SOOOO expensive, I wish I knew of a way to help with the cost, or either the meds or the procedure or even both. The only way we are going to be able to swing this is using our tax return. We haven't filed yet so we don't even know how much we are getting back. Our tax return may only give us enough for one try at it and then my thought is, is it even worth it with only one shot at it? I also think about how we could use that money to help us out with bills, our daughters school etc... I know that if we do use this money to try that will add even more pressure to us; and if we use the money and it doesn't work I will have a very hard time dealing emotionally and will feel guilty. I also know either way, if we try and it doesn't work or we don't try because of the cost I am going to have a very hard time dealing with the finality. It just breaks my heart to know I will never have any more babies:(  At this point I HATE money, money is so evil! I HATE that, money is what is stopping us from expanding our family. I just want a crystal ball- LOL!!!! I am sure I am not the only one who would love to have that. So my question is if it was you what would you do?

Family

Not sure where to begin with this one so much has happened that it is hard to put into words. I will say before I get started I know I am not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and I am also going to say that I am responsible for a lot that has taken place within my family and I am trying to work/ mend fences etc... but I also believe that my family just doesn't get how hard it really is to not be able to get pregnant and then when I finally miracle of miracles do I ended up losing him (as well as two other babies).
Now all that I am about to tell you took place before we adopted our children:
My whole relationship with my brother and his family has completely changed and it sucks (although we have worked through some stuff and others we are just not going to see eye to eye!). My brother and I had always been what I would call close, we were only 4 years apart. As we grew older our relationship started to change where he could come for support/ advice etc... he even told me before anyone else that his then girlfriend (of just a couple months) and now wife (they had a vegas wedding 5 months after the baby was born) was pregnant. I helped him break the news to my parents etc.. So you see we were fairly close. Well that relationship obviously changed with a baby and wife in the picture. I have never really felt accepted by my sister-in-law but things were manageable. I did have a very hard time when I found out that they were expecting their second unplanned child but dealt with that in private with my husband; but I did congratulate them when they told us the news and even send cards to my nephew and my sister in law/ brother congratulating them. It wasn't long after I had congratulated them that we too found out we were pregnant with William.  Well I thought it might be a bonding experience with my sister in law etc... but I was wrong. I didn't get the same excitement that I had displayed with the news of their baby when we told them about ours. But anyhoo maybe they were just having a bad day etc... Well things went from not so good to horrible when we found out about our son and then the ultimate loss of him. I admit I grew dispondant didn't know how to handle things etc.. but I did the best that I could/ knew how to do. I had a very hard time dealing with pregnant woman from then on (I had a hard time with it before when dealing with our infertility); seeing their cute bellies, hearing them complain about how difficult it is to be pregnant etc... So needless to say my relationship with my brother and his wife was strained. I didn't go to her baby shower which of course I was the HORRIBLE sister in law for not coming! I did send a gift even though I grew up with the idea you only have one shower and it isn't my fault my sister in law was an idiot and sold all her baby stuff knowing they wanted more kids! Then came the day that my sister in law went into labor- yes on MY due date (and I know that she cannot help when she goes into labor) talk about undescribable pain. And yet I was expected to be at the hospital all happy and jolly etc... So I put on my best smile, took my nephew out shopping for his new baby sister and then proceeded to the hospital, nephew and presents in tow. I tried I really did try but it was so hard, I ended up having to leave the room. My sister in law felt that I was being rude, I couldn't even be happy for them and she was pissed because I wouldn't hold my niece. So that in a nut shell is where our relationship went south; then add in the fact that her own sister is going through infertility issues and is now pregnant (which I truly am happy for them but it doesn't make the pain any less for me or easier for me). My sister in law knows how to get under my skin and she throws her own sisters pregnancy in my face. Her sister was pregnant last Spring and supposidly at my nephews birthday I was really RUDE to her sister- the funny thing is I don't recall being rude at all and neither does my husband. Actually at bday parties ofter you will find my husband and I watching our kids especially our son like a hawk for several reasons- one he is a daredevil and two he has MAJOR food allergies. So most of our time is spent doing that and we don't get to really talk much with others at the party. Yet my sister in law and brother told my parents (and got my mom all worked up and upset) that they felt there was something seriously wrong with me and that I need to be committed etc....Unfortunately a couple of weeks later her sister lost the baby. When I found out the news I really felt for them, because I had been there and I know the pain. And once again my sister found a way to throw it back in my face. She posted on facebk about how horrible it was and just doesn't understand, and doesn't know how to deal- HUH? Don't I know those feeling?! Then of course when she talked with my mom she was telling her how well her sister was handling everything and she was just doing so well even better than my sister in law etc.... The ironic thing was that the day of her due date her sister (my sister in law) was taking her out to lunch, shopping, massages etc... to help her deal with the day and try and keep her mind off things. Yet on my due date I was expected to be all happy happy and going to the hospital to see my new niece and holding her making over her and hearing all about my sister in laws labor etc.... Does anyone else see something wrong with this picture????
So at the same time that my sister in law is pregnant my unwed irresponsible cousin is pregnant. Yes again I have problems dealing with her being pregnant, here we are wanting a baby sooooo bad and she up and gets pregnant at the drop of the hat. And no I didn't go to her baby shower either but I did send a gift with a note explaining why I couldn't be there. And once again my sister in law and others jump on the bandwagon about how I am such a horrible person for not being happy for her etc.... Don't people get it, I am happy for them but living a miserable horrible undescribable pain.
So after a couple of years things have gotten better with my family- I am really really trying to mend the fences. As far as my sister-in-law I don't think those issues will ever be resolved I think she has her opinion and I have mine but for now we tolerate one another as best as we can.
Of course now that we are once again going through infertility issues/ treatment all those emotions come back- WHY? can't we get pregnant; WHY? do all I have is dead babies; WHY? WHY? WHY??? And we are going through this in private because we don't want family knowing and judging. We don't want them saying can't you just be happy with the two children you adopted? YES I am VERY HAPPY and LOVE my children emensly and I know that if I were to change anything that has happened in the past I wouldn't have these two precious beings in my life. I am very grateful for everything that I have; but that doesn't change the feelings of incompletness. I want so badly to know what it is like to carry a child, and birth a live baby. I am not ready to get rid of the baby stuff I want another baby so badly. I would be happy to adopt another child however we just cannot afford the high cost of adoptions.
So that is where I am not trying to find my way in all this mess of infertility and the emotions/ heartbreak etc...